the empty bowl

the word ~ misconstrued ~  and the concept of it, has come up once too often for me of late

which makes me think that perhaps I am out of step with what others are saying or doing, that the perspective from which I view it or perceive things is somehow "out of alignment"

but out of alignment with what?

it is becoming a tad annoying. I am not comfortable with this level of disconnect and I am not going to try to fix it

there are gifts in the misunderstanding

today a friend said a few words, and how I received them was in total contrast from what she meant to say

I accept that my view was one sided - as was hers - neither of us had considered the other opinion until I spoke up

and in the speaking up, I began to understand a new aspect of Me. and as my blog says - this is always all about me. what I learn and feel and think and understand and laugh at and love ...

the 'misconstruing' of her words awakened me to the part of me that was  (I say was, as it is now in the past)   far too ready to dismiss my needs and desires and was far too willing to be of service


I know that my life's path is to be of service to others - but not to the extent that it is a denial of my requirements

not to the extent that I give until there is seemingly nothing left for me

an empty bowl feeds no-one

it says a lot about you

Some time back, I came across a line that rings so true to me.

A person’s action says everything about that person, and pretty much nothing about anyone else, especially me!

Too often, I felt responsible for what others did. As if I was in charge of the whole world! How silly of me.

Once I understood that the whole world did not revolve around me (although …um …just saying …) I could relax and learn to be at peace with what others chose to do – whether society would judge the actions as good, bad, evil or whatever. I just accepted that we all choose what we do – which may not be congruent with what we say – and that is just the way it is!

At the same time, I have to accept that what I do says an awful lot, or a lovely lot, about me.

Lately, perhaps the last 18 months or so, I have been going through a really sad and tough time. I spent one Xmas day sobbing my heart out. Feeling broken and discarded and alone. I swore on that day that I would never allow that to happen to me again.

The next Xmas saw me hopping onto a plane to far away to spend that family time with some loved ones who wanted me there. Loved ones who welcomed my presence, and I had a happier time than the year before. However, the broken-ness had not healed itself. There was still a lot of healing time and attention required.

Shortly after my return home, I had to say goodbye to my Dad as he made his way home to loved ones who had gone before him. Suddenly, I became acutely aware of how shattered and fractured I had become over the last few years. Suddenly there was no longer a place to hide

During the four months or so that followed, I retreated within. I could not sit with another and share my pain and heartache. There were offers of help, but I was so afraid that I would break down so completely and utterly that there would be no coming back. I had to go through this process alone. Day by day, I subconsciously and consciously worked on finding the Me that had seemed to have gone AWOL

Bit by bit – literally – I put the pieces back together again. Largely this was a very private and intimate process. Many friends  offered wonderful insights through their words when I reached out.

During this tender and bruising and gentle and harsh and difficult and prickly and turbulent and lonely time, there are things I chose to do that may have seemed unkind to others. I set very strong boundaries. I told some people to leave me alone when I felt that I was being ‘stalked’. There were times that I felt as if someone was knocking on my door, and no matter how many times I answered the door, they kept knocking. I reduced my friends list on facebook.  I could no longer have a connection with those who were argumentative or contentious or political or uber-religious and fundamentalist. In the past, I had enjoyed the interaction. But this healing time was so vital and essential and important that I could not tolerate anything that distracted me.

So, for all those who thought I was being cruel or unkind or unfeeling or whatever, I can only say one thing. What I did says everything about Me and nothing much about you. It was my time to do what I needed to do in order to become a fully functional member of the human race again.

I do not apologise for any action I took during this time, because it taught me a lot about Who I Am and how important I Am to Me! I realised that I have been way too accommodating of others and their foibles, to the detriment of my own Journey.

What I chose to do says so much about me. And I learned a lot about me – and perhaps my actions gave you a chance to learn about you!

Because our actions speak louder than words.

and if you got this far - thank you for reading it - it says a lot about You ......