it says a lot about you

Some time back, I came across a line that rings so true to me.

A person’s action says everything about that person, and pretty much nothing about anyone else, especially me!

Too often, I felt responsible for what others did. As if I was in charge of the whole world! How silly of me.

Once I understood that the whole world did not revolve around me (although …um …just saying …) I could relax and learn to be at peace with what others chose to do – whether society would judge the actions as good, bad, evil or whatever. I just accepted that we all choose what we do – which may not be congruent with what we say – and that is just the way it is!

At the same time, I have to accept that what I do says an awful lot, or a lovely lot, about me.

Lately, perhaps the last 18 months or so, I have been going through a really sad and tough time. I spent one Xmas day sobbing my heart out. Feeling broken and discarded and alone. I swore on that day that I would never allow that to happen to me again.

The next Xmas saw me hopping onto a plane to far away to spend that family time with some loved ones who wanted me there. Loved ones who welcomed my presence, and I had a happier time than the year before. However, the broken-ness had not healed itself. There was still a lot of healing time and attention required.

Shortly after my return home, I had to say goodbye to my Dad as he made his way home to loved ones who had gone before him. Suddenly, I became acutely aware of how shattered and fractured I had become over the last few years. Suddenly there was no longer a place to hide

During the four months or so that followed, I retreated within. I could not sit with another and share my pain and heartache. There were offers of help, but I was so afraid that I would break down so completely and utterly that there would be no coming back. I had to go through this process alone. Day by day, I subconsciously and consciously worked on finding the Me that had seemed to have gone AWOL

Bit by bit – literally – I put the pieces back together again. Largely this was a very private and intimate process. Many friends  offered wonderful insights through their words when I reached out.

During this tender and bruising and gentle and harsh and difficult and prickly and turbulent and lonely time, there are things I chose to do that may have seemed unkind to others. I set very strong boundaries. I told some people to leave me alone when I felt that I was being ‘stalked’. There were times that I felt as if someone was knocking on my door, and no matter how many times I answered the door, they kept knocking. I reduced my friends list on facebook.  I could no longer have a connection with those who were argumentative or contentious or political or uber-religious and fundamentalist. In the past, I had enjoyed the interaction. But this healing time was so vital and essential and important that I could not tolerate anything that distracted me.

So, for all those who thought I was being cruel or unkind or unfeeling or whatever, I can only say one thing. What I did says everything about Me and nothing much about you. It was my time to do what I needed to do in order to become a fully functional member of the human race again.

I do not apologise for any action I took during this time, because it taught me a lot about Who I Am and how important I Am to Me! I realised that I have been way too accommodating of others and their foibles, to the detriment of my own Journey.

What I chose to do says so much about me. And I learned a lot about me – and perhaps my actions gave you a chance to learn about you!

Because our actions speak louder than words.

and if you got this far - thank you for reading it - it says a lot about You ......