I am a Writer

I love writing. One of my favourite times at school was when we had to write a story. Essay time, they called it. Easy Peasy. Give me the title and tell me how much to write. Of course, in those days, using pen and paper, editing was a little less easy than it is today!

When reading any of my writing, bear in mind that I love writing. I do not love grammar, so you will find the odd jarring moments, especially if you know all the rules about the apostrophe. I know how to spell it, I know what it looks like, and I seldom know where to place it. Do'nt do what I have just done - even I know better!

Despite my love for the written word, I have never considered myself a writer or an author. Way too grandiose a label for my meanderings here and on FaceBook. Or so I thought.

Then I met my single-serving friend on the plane to Dubai. She was on her way to become a crew member on a cruise ship - due to be away from home for about 3 years. She introduced herself as a writer. I asked what she writes, and she said she writes a blog. It is her way to keep in touch with all her friends and family back home.

She had only posted one or two pieces, and yet she firmly claimed the title of writer.

I can do that too. I am a Writer. Whether anyone out there is a reader, I am not sure. Perhaps a couple of people read my writing. The number is less important than it is for me to write in the first place. Because I am a writer.

I love writing. I will do it more often. Slowly but surely, I am becoming less concerned about writing the 'right stuff'. Those who disagree with my point of view probably have valid reasons for disagreeing. I love feedback that makes me think. It allows me to refine my opinions and standpoints.

Of course I see things from my perspective. It is an intrinsic part of the process.

I love writing. I am a Writer. I claim that label.


I am beginning to wonder - is it possible that I am also a Poet?

Time will tell.

It's a first for me

One of my friends had been ill for some time. She had cancer of everything. Started off small, but Felicity was never one to do things in a small quiet way!

A couple of years ago, I had used up all my holiday time for the year when I got a call from her, asking me to accompany her to a warm springs holiday centre as she felt she needed to be in the fresh energy of the spring water.

I approached my bosses - they are doctors - and asked if they could please find it in their hearts to allow me some extra time away from my desk. Her oncologist said that she was Stage Four - which is pretty much the end of the road for most people.

Off we went, car packed with swimming costumes to play in the warm water in the middle of winter! I have to add that there are indoor pools too, although we did brave the outdoor ones a few times. Being in the water was no problem - the dash for warmth was the great challenge, with Felicity not being as strong as she might have been earlier in her life.

On arrival, we jumped (well, sort of jumped, more like struggled) into our bathing suits, wrapped the big warm gowns around us and headed for the lifts to the ground floor. When we pressed the buzzer, the alarm bell rang! That, my dear friends, is a sign that we should have heeded.......

Lift doors open, press G, doors close and we rise 5 inches.....then nothing.

Oh my hat - here I am stuck in a lift with someone who cannot stand for any length of time, and also cannot get up off the lift floor if she actually manages to get down onto it in the first place.

Now, I am not sure about the lifts that you frequent, but very few - NONE - I use have seats. Mmmm. The challenge begins!

We ring the bell. We shout - well, I shout. Felicity needs oxygen for other things, like staying alive.

I bang on the lift walls. Eventually we hear someone pounding up the stairs and they tell us that they have called the technician. He is in Cape Town. Two hours away.

Many other people arrive, and they manage to force the doors open. Thank goodness Felicity was strong enough to still be standing, but no ways is she getting back in this only lift and she certainly cannot use the stairs.

After settling her into bed in the apartment, I waft off down the stairs to wallow in the lovely water. I felt I needed it by now - and it would have been more fun with her, but this by far beats being in the office!

For the next two years, in my office she is referred to as my friend Felicity who refuses to die of cancer. She has, however, succumbed. Boy, did she give that disease a run for it's money. It had a battle to get her! No matter what transpired, she was determined to not give in! Not ever! Never. Never. Never. Even at the end, I am told that she was a tough nut to crack.

The first for me, was saying goodbye to her on Facebook. We move with the times, I know, but it did seem a strange way to say goodbye. Her sons asked that we all stop calling and visiting as she was beyond coping with it all. But they promised to read her messages that we posted.

After she died, someone asked that the boys keep the page going, so that they could visit her when they were missing her.

Let me say it loud and clear right now - do not even think of doing something that weird when I go!

Think of me now and then if you want to do so, or if I pop into your mind. That is the natural way of things. But keeping my facebook page going is a step too far for me. And certainly, do not ask my children to do this silly thing. If you want to create a page and be the caretaker - go ahead ( God alone knows why you would want to do it, but it is your time and energy you are using - so go ahead, be my guest!)

I have removed her from my list of friends. Not from my mind. Not from my heart. Not from what I learned from her. Just from my list of facebook friends.

I have often told my dad that keeping everything my mum ever touched is not proof that we loved her. It is proof that we have space to store eveything she touched - nothing else.

Felicity is having a ball where she is. In honour of her, I will do my best to have a really good life. She accomplished far more in her weak state than a lot of us do when we are healthy.


And I know for SURE that she understands me clicking the 'remove from friends' button

affirmations........

When I was first introduced to idea of using affirmations to make my dreams come true, it sounded so simple.


All I had to do was consistently, parrot fashion, repeat a phrase which would magically make my life one worth living.


That simple, huh?


No.

Not really. Nothing much changed.

Then I was told that saying things like ~'all is well'~ meant that obviously all was not well and that by saying that it was well, was highlighting the lack of all-well-ness.



Mmmm - not simple at all. Complicated.




Then along came a new (to me) way of thinking.

Still using pretty much the same affirmations, but using them differently.


All is well in my world - and meaning it when I said it. Believing it and knowing it and trusting it and living it and allowing myself to see it and allowing others to see it.

Then I understood the difference.

We have all gone along to theatres to watch stage shows, or watched children in a school play, or sat in front of the television, watching whatever is being broadcast.

There is nothing more tedious than watching a wooden, unskilled person delivering lines directly from the script.

There is nothing more moving than an actor - an ACTOR - presenting his part according to the script - and taking you from laughter, to woe, to despair, to joy, to exhiliration as you watch him perform.

There is the difference. The actor gets you involved. Gets you feeling real emotions. Has you believing what you are watching.

That is how affirmations work. When, despite knowing 'what is', you believe the new image you are presenting to your brain. Despite the challenges you currently face, you KNOW that you are moving into the dream you are dreaming. FEELING the joy in the image you hold. KNOWING what it is like to love, to be loved, to be in awe of beauty and surrounded by abundance.

Get involved in your affirmations. Move yourself into that place of wonder and awe and excitement and joy about what you are creating for yourself.

Then watch the magic begin..........


and then share it with me, please.

True friends

Friends are those people who help us to unlock the power within us.

We may think that they are our strength - and perhaps for short periods of time, they are.

True friends are the ones who allow us to stand on our own two feet - and to lean on them when we are feeling less-than-strong.

They are the ones who love to see us succeed.

They are the ones who cheer every step we take.

They are the ones who stand by with the 'first-aid kit' when we travel down roads that challenge us and perhaps cause us heartache.

They celebrate us. They celebrate the friendship.

I salute my true friends.

I am all the better for knowing you and having you in my life.

Being complete

I want him to love me

I want him to need me

I want this to be different

I want to feel loved

I want to feel appreciated



YOU WANT WHAT??????

He fulfills me

He makes my life worth living

He is so awesome

He needs me to rescue him

He looks so hurt and sad and lost


STOP IT!



What kind of relationship will you have when it starts out with one of you thinking that the other needs rescuing, or fixing, or fulfilling ( in the sense that the person is incomplete without the other )

Where does that relationship then go? Once the other is fixed, rescued, completed....what then?

Let them go.

Start an awesome relationship - with yourSelf.

Love your Self

Fulfill your Self

And when you have done that ~ when you do not need  to be

Rescued

Fixed

Fulfilled

When you love the completeness of Who You Are -

Thats when you let someone in.

And then you grow together.

In Love

In Completeness

In Unison

Now, doesn't that sound like so much more fun?

Living Outside / The Box

On Wednesday afternoon, I was driving along the Main Road to collect my dad for his 6-month check up with the physician. It was a blustery day. Dust and litter rushed along the road at seemingly the same speed as my car.

In front of me, being swept along by the north wind, was a large cardboard box - it looked as if it had housed a large item like a washing machine. I drove carefully along behind it, as it was being blown from one side of the street to the other, and I was giving myself space and time to take avoiding action if the traffic coming towards me swerved to avoid the box.

Since it was a fairly quiet stretch of road at that time of day, there had been no need for concern. The box eventually got caught up in some bushes on the sidewalk.

The following day, at a staff meeting, I was hauled over the coals, so to speak ~ not a fun event at all. And after some introspection, I came to understand the bigger picture that was being painted for me. I was aware of how everything that happened in the process was all part of a bigger plan that was orchestrated in order for me to learn something valuable. Something that would help me along my path towards being a more integrated person.

What I found most fascinating is that as I learn and understand the Universe better, and allow the LOA to work in my life, I creep further and further away from the type of box that society loves to put people in. I stepped out of the box some years ago, but the darned thing was still hanging around, in case I ever wanted to climb back inside.

Until Wednesday.

I did not realise at the time, but that  box flying along the road was the box that had been around me for so long. I did not understand that it was my own box I was seeing. I certainly did not see the significance of it. It was, to me, just a random box being blown along a random path.

My box is gone. I cannot even think of climbing back into it. I have a suspicion that perhaps someone else lives in it now. And they are most welcome to use it, for as long as it serves them,

Now I am free to be me. Just me. No pre-formed shape for me to fit into. No container to trap me and stunt my growth. No cardboard creation aimed at keeping some things in, and other things out.

Just me. That is enough. And so it is.

~Alison~

Forgive Forget / Forgiven Forgotten

I came across an issue today that made me realise that I am struggling to forgive someone and to forget the disrespect with which they have treated me in the past.

And the way I have dealt with this is in an entirely immature fashion - I have disrespected in return. I know it. I have done it consciously and I am not proud of this part of me.

I am struggling with this. I am still so hurt and angry that I want to stamp my feet and demand attention and throw things and hit someone and., - well, you get the two year old tantrum idea.

But I am not two years old. I am not proud of this aspect of myself. And it is robbing me of beauty and joy and love and respect.

So bear with me whilst I think about this all. Because today I discovered that when I am able to stop judging myself and others, I can let the concept of forgive and forget to float away. The powerful tools that they seem to be right now will be meaningless.

I understand that this issue is a power struggle within me - the other person does not care - at least openly anyway. And how that person feels is of no consequence. This is all about me.

How do I move forward from here. If I was the coach - what would I say to my client? What question would the client need to hear?

So let us play a game - since immaturity is the issue! 

Oh my hat - I hit the nail on the head with the first question - and got the answer. Immaturity is the issue. Not forgiving the person, not forgiving myself, Not forgetting. Immaturity.

I am now going to be coach and client; I am playing a game, remember?

In order for you to grow up, what do you think you need to do? 

I need to pack away the toys and find an adult way of moving on.

Tell me more?

Well, the game is all about tit for tat. And what I want to do is to rise above that. Because I have always known that this issue is such a huge one for me, and until I deal with it, I am stuck, So I think I have avoided it because of it's enormity. It is because I was so badly treated and that person will never admit it. And what is keeping me stuck is knowing that he will never admit it - and the child in me wants a sense of justice. Which is just not ever going to happen.

Alison, I am noticing that you seem keen to move forward with a sense of being grown up and mature around this issue. What I am also noticing is that you seem to have thought this all out in a very mature and adult way. You have acknowledged the importance of the issue and the impact it will have in your life if you can find the solution. So imagine for a moment, how it will be if you can take on the mantle of maturity and leave this 'childishness' behind. Tell me about it.

The main benefit will be allowing myself to put aside the armour and weapons I have to carry around all day at work. I can then just be me. I can stop being a victim. I can climb to the top of the hill, breathe, and allow my light to shine through. Taking off that armour will be like releasing myself from the past. I know that I will be doing myself a favour, because it is exhausting to be on the defensive and the offensive all the time. It is keeping me stuck. Some years ago I went to a castle in Scotland where they had some medieval armour on display. We were allowed to lift the helmet and put it on our head. I got an instant headache from the weight of it and the sense of suffocation. Which reminds me that I have been getting so many headaches recently.

Alison, what else can you tell me about being mature in this situation?

What I can tell you is that I cannot play this game any longer - no-one knows what the rules are. No-one cares who wins. There is no life supportive result to be had. And I believe that if something is not life-supportive, then it is life-destructive. And I cannot let that be my theme tune.

And what else can you tell me about being more mature here? What do you have to do tomorrow when you go in to work, that is different from what you have done in the past?

Gosh, that is a hard question to answer, because as soon as I start thinking about it, I get this feeling of anxiety. 

Tell me what is so hard about this for you?

It is about being at peace with being rejected. It is about finding it OK to have not had the support from the bosses that I had craved. It is about not feeling valued and valuable at work.It feels as if it is a reflection of my early life, Which of course it is - hence the infantile behaviour.

I am understanding that for as long as I await recognition and validity from somewhere other than me, I am lost. I am beginning to feel that it is ok to want the validation, as long as I understand that giving it to myself is what is really powerful. 

I have to see ME. I have to respect ME. I have to love ME. Nothing is more important than that. Because unless I can see, respect and love me, I am of no real use to myself or anyone else. And then I have ducked the whole reason for being on the planet in the first place. Because I believe I came here to have fun. And for me, being in defence / attack mode is not fun. It may be for others. That is their journey. But it is not fun for me.

The next time you go into the office again, what will be different?

The difference will be in my frame of mind. I can choose to be a credit to myself - instead of how it has been for some time.

And how will your different frame of mind manifest? What difference will others see?

That for me is not the important thing. For me it is important that I feel good about myself and how I live my life. Since I consider these things to be important, I need to stop and think whenever I am tempted to go back into old behaviour. So perhaps a good plan would be to write a word that prompts me each time I see it. Perhaps I can choose the word 'new'. Because it is a new day, a new way of being, or a way of being me, more of the time! And what works well for me is change - so I will rearrange my office - as a reminder that things do not always have to stagnate and fester!

If there is another question you would need to answer now,what would that question be?

I suppose the question would be something to do with how this change will benefit me?

How will this change benefit you?

I will be more fully me, whatever that means. I will have found a way to go one more step in the direction of my more integrated life. And I have a sense that this is a little bigger than just being different at work. There is a sense of this being a small but integral part of the whole puzzle.

What else do you want to say?

Just that I need to sleep and rest and allow all this new information to sink into the cells in my body. And that I will remember to feel good - all the time - no matter what. It is why I am here. Thank you