Awake and Aware - Conscious

Once upon a time, very long ago, I was young.


And like all good young children, I was dragged off to church each week - so that I could become an even better good girl.

The whole church thing was great - I had friends there. We watched movies there on a Saturday afternoon. Each year, as a fundraiser, the lucky ones got to be in the play or pantomime that was presented. I was usually one of the lucky ones.

But I also had to go to the service each week. That was not too bad. We sang lovely songs, prayed a lot and squirmed when we got bored with the hell and damnation stuff that came from the pulpit.

Then I got a little older. And I began to wonder why I was missing out on what evidently was the best part of the deal. Where was all this amazing grace and answers to prayers? Somehow I did not seem to be on the list of recipients. I closed my eyes during prayers, hands clasped firmly together. I even scrunched up my eyes so that no light would get in to distract me. Nothing. No deep booming voices in my head to assure me that I was being good and getting better at it. Certainly no extra pocket money arrived, although I think I did make the connection with there being not much money in the household in the first place.

So I prayed harder, sang louder in the choir, joined the Youth for Christ movement, did the whole thing. Even signed up for the In magazine - anyone remember that? The brainchild of Frank Retief, the minister at a local church - not the one I attended, but you do what you can when you feel you are missing out on something. Zip. Nada. Nothing.

Aha, I thought - best I get confirmed and become part of the adult section of the Church - that will really get God's attention. I even tried to not really like the musical LP Jesus Christ Superstar - because it was a banned album in this country, so perhaps God would not want me to enjoy it. Still no indication that I was being noticed at all.

So I gave up. Played the socially conditioned game of being there week after week. Knowing that it was a waste of my time - perhaps God's as well, but who would know?

Years went by, agonising years of not being fully comfortable for turning my back on God. Some of the brainwashing had worked, so it was not an easy thing for me to walk away. But I managed to convince myself that firstly we are born, we live through whatever good or bad life we were issued, and then we die. Then definitely zip, nada, nothing. Dead is dead - come to terms with it and get on with doing stuff before it happened. Worms ate you. End of the road. Circle of life - first you eat a meal, then you become the meal. That was the sage advice I offered to anyone who would listen - and especially to those who thought my Soul should be saved.

Fast forward a decade or so - and I woke up! At long last. Day by day, I wake up even more. I thought I understood everything - and each day I learn another little piece of the big picture. I constantly have to revise and redefine and refine what I believe, because each little event, each interaction I have, each thought that I think, gives me more to think about and gives me greater clarity.

Life is not all about 'this' being right and 'that' being wrong. It has much more life to it - if you will pardon the pun. It is more fluid, more open to interpretation and more organic. It is not just one thing. It has no beginning and no end. And since the Universe expands exponentially, so does our capacity to understand it. If we so choose.

I choose to allow my understanding to increase each day.

I am so grateful that I woke up. I have seen others wake up, the most magical event imaginable - the moment when the lights start going on inside their minds - it glows from every cell in their body. Who could not love watching that process?

Each and every day now, I get to experience the grace and beauty and majesty I so craved as a child. And I consider myself to be so blessed to have found the answer to all those heartfelt prayers. God had answered - but I did not have the eyes to see or the ears to hear. Answers came...in their own good time - when I was ready to listen.