Always.......Never

a few days ago I was wondering where my rhythm and routine and 'home' is ....I spent time with others who have others who have partners and do things together as couples, or independently of one another - although, when the end of the day arrives, they get to share the days events in conversation and companionship

when you live alone, that does not happen. no matter how exciting or boring the day has been - there is aloneness when darkness falls

I have been thinking about all of this - mulling it over in my mind, and when I remember the conversations I have had with them, I noticed that two words came up regularly

Always......


Never.....



We always eat breakfast together. 

We have never eaten in a restaurant on Boxing Day. 

I have never worn navy blue since I was in school 50 years ago

I always ....

We always....

I never....

We never.....


such absolutes. 

I am not sure that I am capable of such absolutes. some years ago during a leadership course, I had to complete the sentence that began with ....I Will Never .......

I was stumped. it took some thinking about. obviously I was in the mindset of the leadership course - I was not thinking of things like - I will never eat hedgehog, or something similar


now I am wondering if I can live a life that has such strict guidelines ...I have always tended towards a little more latitude than I never or I always..


I Always enjoy being able to try some new things and I Never feel that I have to do things just because others are doing it ....

this life is full of interesting options ..



...........

responsibility!

I tried running away from responsibility.

It has not worked!

How can I run away from what is within me? If I knew, I would do so.

I have no idea. Usually I have many ideas. Right now, the ideas box is empty!

I know it is not empty - I know that I am in a resistant mode right now and I 

do not care how that looks to anyone else.

I know that all is well at all times.

Therefore, I know it is okay for me to melt down, weep and wail and feel

sorry for myself for a short while

I will bounce back. History proves that claim. 

but for now - I am going to wallow in feeling like a victim of circumstance,

despite ALL that I know to the contrary!

damn, I am tired. to the core of me. desperately wishing that things

were different. but they are what they are. and I Am that I Am ....

and soon, very very soon, I will feel strong again!

but for now - can I hand this image over to someone else ...

so that THEY can be left in charge ....?

please?

I wonder.....

and that is it! I wonder!

I wonder about so many things. I always have and I guess I always will, wonder.....

and one of the things that is intriguing me at the moment, is why do I always want to know more, do more, understand more?

I have spent the last few days with a fun-loving family, and since I live alone, that is already a difference for me. I have been watching all the interactions, and there is a part of me that YEARNS for the sense of rhythm and routine that surrounds the older couple, especially. They are only about 10 years older than me - not much, but it would seem they are from another era

I watched and listened. They know what they are going to do next week - the plans are made. They have a routine for breakfast in summer. the routine is different in winter, as they choose warmer, more filling food.

They do things together, they do things independently of one another;  but the rhythm remains constant. Dinner is at a certain time, preceded and followed by tea times or coffee times, at which point, there may be a nibble of either sweet or savoury nature.

I want this. I want a rhythm that is like a security blanket in my life. I am weary of always chasing after goals. I am different and although I loved this aspect of me in the past, there is something else emerging from within. the desire for more routine.

I want to be able to stop searching for the place where I belong. I want to arrive there, and know.....

I claim gentle this coming year.

2013 - all I really really really want is gentle ...soft and gentle and home

thank you.

dead stars and memories

when darkness falls each evening, as long as there is no cloud cover, and  clean, clear air above us, we can see the beautiful light of the moon and the stars.

the clearer the air, the more beautiful the sight.

for those of us who live in cities, having the chance to see the night sky in the country air is almost magical

one of the things we learn at school is that some of the lights we see are from stars that no longer exist. they died aeons ago. but still we see the beautiful light arriving each evening.

and of course, at some point, the light from each of those dead stars will complete it's journey to us, and the light will go out.

the universe is so full of stars, that we will barely notice the final moment.....

memories are like that. we carry them around and for as long as they are alive and full of energy, the emit a light that shines into our everyday life.

it can be fun, remembering the happy things - like winning a prize, your child's first smile, the aroma of your mothers baking, your success at something for which you have great passion.

these are memories that have lovely little gifts in them that uplift and comfort you.

but sometimes that light brings up feelings of great sadness, or loss, and pain.

we do not always like to accept that these memories have just as many gifts for us as the happy ones.

but whether we like it or not, it still remains true.

if you can find the time and energy, the support and the willingness to unpack the sad memories, then you will find the gifts it brought into your life, and like the light from a dead star, the light from the sad memory will one day fade and disappear.

and all that will be left will be a memory. not a sad one. not a happy one. just the knowing that once upon a time, there was an event that saddened you.

and that, in some way, it enriched you


.........

it is all about perspective

a few weeks ago, while I was showering, I had an accident. I have no idea how it happened. one minute I was doing what so many women do in the shower ...shaving my legs and oxters (look it up!) and the next minute there was blood! for some bizarre reason, my razor decided (it can decide - it is NOT an inanimate object, of that I am certain!) ...it decided to take a chunk of my ring finger nail from where it should be - and leave me with a bloody mess.

oh wow, I hear you say - after you get over that hideous cringing moment when you imagine the event - it is like that nails on a chalkboard effect ....shivers up the spine stuff.

I did not say oh wow. what I did was put pressure on my finger to staunch the flow of blood and gasped things like - omg omg omg omg, while I tried to understand what had happened - I have never worked out HOW it happened.
my daughter asked if I was okay - and I said that ultimately, I would be - but only after I stopped bleeding! she kindly stepped into the bathroom, turned off the water and wrapped me in my towel.

some weeks down the line, I am exceedingly weary of popping a plaster onto my finger a few times a day. seriously - it is tedious! my finger longs for freedom! it will take another week or ten days and I will be back to normal. okay - my finger will be back to normal. I never will be. it is a long time since I was what i once considered to be normal

during this time I went to visit a friend. she was very ill last year - and to cut a long story extremely short, suffice to say that she has had both lower legs amputated and her left arm is amputated below the elbow. the right hand has a thumb, and somewhat shortened fingers. it is horrid, what has happened to her. she has to start life all over again - learning to walk and write and feed herself and brush her hair - all with artificial limbs and prostheses.

so it seemed a little odd that when she asked how I am , that I wanted to share how irritated I am by this finger drama! and I shared with her how silly and insignificant it is in the greater scheme of things. how could I, an able-bodied person with no limitations, complain to HER about a fingernail????

and that is when she said - if the roles were reversed, she would be saying the same thing! and that she fully understand why I would feel inconvenienced.

it is all about our perspective and circumstances. being able to do what I like, when I like, is the perspective from which I view things.

when she looks at things, her frame of reference is now far different from mine.

neither perspective is wrong nor right - it just IS!

I will remember that as best I can ...that how I view (and sometimes, judge) things -  may look different from another perspective

and perhaps, I will be a better person for having had this moment of understanding

I live in hope

.....

Old Age is not for Sissies!!

Old age is not for sissies - and neither is your parents' old age! There is not a load of fun to be had, watching the precious person you have loved all of your life, slowly letting go of things. All sorts of things. People. Events. Connections. Me.

Suddenly, the words senile dementia and alzheimers are starting to become a part of my vocabulary. Suddenly, too, I have to start confronting my own old age, especially since I am not exactly a spring chicken!

When I left my ex 12 years ago, I moved in with my Dad for a few months while I waited for the process of the divorce to unfold and to get a new home for myself. This week, Dad asked where J is - and I said he is probably with his wife. He looked at me in confusion. Are you divorced now? No-one tells me anything!

Gently I explained that there were two important things - number one - as we get older, we choose which facts and memories to keep and we discard the rest, because our brain is overloaded. and number two - it is only important that I remember that I am divorced!

Slowly but surely, I have to let go of Dad. Precious Soul that he is. If you never got the chance to meet him - you missed out BIG TIME! A gentle Soul. A loving man and father. Loyal. Caring and eager to help. I always knew that if I needed a plumber at 3am, Dad would come to help me!

I am now the parent of my parent. It is hard and frustrating - more so than being the parent of a child. I know that once upon a time, Dad was far wiser than me. He still is - but it is no longer evident. His world has shrunk along with his attention span.

The next stage in my life is looming. Within a year or two - maybe more, I shall become the eldest in the family I grew up in - Mum is gone, older sister is gone, and my brother is younger.

Wow. I never imagined that things would turn out this way. But they have. And that is what happens ...

Life happens .....