I recently spent some weeks being most concerned about a family member who had gone into hibernation - newspeak for depression. The phrase works well in the inclement Northern Hemisphere winters.
I found it a challenge to not worry - and since there was very little contact, I had absolutely no way of trying to fix. At the same time, I was giving a friend some much needed support while he worked out how to get his life back on track.
As time went gone by, one of them has managed to see light at the end of the tunnel - I think she switched it on herself - and my friend is still finding daily life a tough challenge. I can only hope that he finds the strength and the courage to do what needs to be done.
I found those months quite tough emotionally. And I was not the one suffering from depression!
I have friends who are facing really tough situations. Some have stories of pain and suffering and loss and desperation and incapacitation. Way more than I have ever had to face or deal with.
So tonight I choose to sit with the pain and the heartache and the sadness and the hurt - and in doing so I am not moving to fix or lessen or diminish. Tonight I choose to sit with it so that I understand more, so that I may open my heart more. So that I may see more clearly. So that I may be more attuned to the wider world.
Tonight, my friends, I sit with your pain, and I trust that whatever healing you may need, will be delivered to your door.
Sleep well tonight my friends. It has been my honour and privilege to connect with you.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
lessons I am learning from the Great Wise Sierra
The fun part of having her in my life is that I get to see me through her eyes! Not always a flattering view, I may add.
She is my mirror - holding herself aloof at times. Wanting close companionship at other times. And then of course there is the inevitable periods of quiet solitude- that 'leave me alone because I need some time and space in which to contemplate the Universe'.
For Sierra, this should be simple - I am often away from home, so she pretty much has all day to do her contemplation. But daytime is her beauty rest time. When sleeping and shedding hair is all she needs to do. All she wants to do, in fact.
It is when the sun goes down that she sparks up - there is a period of about twenty minutes each evening where she races in the back door - out of a front window - then back in another door - back out the window again. Completely manic! It is as if every creature in the Universe is after her. And then it stops. Time to lie down and rest again.
Since she mirrors me, I have to look at my life to see where I do something similar - and I suppose it is when I go to gym each weekday morning. I run on the track - round and round in circles. Running and getting nowhere - just like the cat. Then lifting things, lowering things,pulling this, pushing that, balancing on equipment - all the while having the most glorious fun of the day!
I envy her the peace she has in her life. No need to stress about anything. Every moment of every day, she trusts that her needs will be met. She has no work that she has to do. She just gets on with being a cat. Which means she can lie in the sun, purr on your lap, chase the lizards and squirrels. Sit on the roof with the pigeons. Life is simple. Straightforward.
This is what she is here to teach me. To be at peace with the world. Keeping her eyes and ears open all the time - carefully observing each and every movement in her space. She doesnt spend hours arguing with herself about the best options available. She just get on and does what needs to be done. And then rests.
Sierra, my teacher - your student is ready.
Monday, 19 April 2010
Who spoke when I opened my mouth?
This year at Easter time, I was advised by someone to not eat too much chocolate. I had no intention of eating any chocolate at all - so I wondered why this comment was made.
When I challenged the comment, asking who was giving this advice, I was told it was the voice of reason because eating too much chocolate could make one ill.
What I heard was an instruction that my friend would have heard 50 years ago from her parents and perhaps grandparents. I have spent many years on this Earth, successfully raising my family and supporting myself, and I am certain that I know how much or how little chocolate to consume.
So often we regurgitate trite sayings and instructions from way back without wondering who is actually doing the talking.
It is a fact that many of us decree that when we become a parent, we will not make the mistakes that our parents made. Then the next generation comes along, saying the same thing. And one day, we open our mouths to speak - and Mother (from way back) speaks through us. And we are startled! Mirror mirror on the wall, I am my parent after all!
When offering advice, instead of using a phrase that may be decades old, speak from your heart. Speak from your own experience. The words will be richer and have so much more value. Because they come from you. And what better offering can any of us make, than sharing ourselves?
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Trusting abundance and expansion.
Imagine having a beautiful bunch of flowers on your desk at work. Someone comes along and admires them, perhaps mentioning that those particular yellow roses have great meaning in her life. Without thinking, you reach over, take one from the bunch and hand it to her. With love. With the knowing that this very act will brighten her day. With the knowledge that there is one more happy person on the planet - and you still have a beautiful bunch of flowers on your desk.
That action took place unconditionally. You just reached into your heart, and shared what you had for sharing.
Now imagine you have a beautiful bunch of flowers on your desk at work. Someone comes along and admires them, perhaps mentioning that those particular yellow roses have great meaning in her life. You reach out and pick one from the bunch and hand it to her. You recently heard that whatever you give away comes back tenfold from the Universe. You think that you had better buy some more vases, as you will surely have flowers in every room in your life. Because you gave away a rose. Thinking that the Universe will supply a load in return. And you still have that beautiful bunch of flowers on your desk- with one less yellow rose.
One of those roses was handed over because there was an abundance of beauty, and it could be shared and would not only not be diminished, but exponentially grown, because there are now two people who have flowers that are making their hearts sing.
The other rose was given with a good kind heart, but from a place of thinking that this may be the last bunch I ever get - which would be very sad - and so to increase my chances I will give some away and then I will most certainly be rewarded with another bunch at some time in the future.
It is subtle, this difference. And seen from a step away there seems to be no difference at all.
One scenario has a bunch of flowers - less one, which leaves it 'less than' it was at the start. one owner of the slightly diminished bunch who is now living in the hope of getting more, but not really believing that this tenfold thing can work. one new recipient with a single yellow rose that is so deeply loved.
The other story sees so many pools of love and beauty - one bunch of flowers. one happy owner of the bunch. one new recipient with one single yellow rose that is so deeply loved.
Which one is your story?
That action took place unconditionally. You just reached into your heart, and shared what you had for sharing.
Now imagine you have a beautiful bunch of flowers on your desk at work. Someone comes along and admires them, perhaps mentioning that those particular yellow roses have great meaning in her life. You reach out and pick one from the bunch and hand it to her. You recently heard that whatever you give away comes back tenfold from the Universe. You think that you had better buy some more vases, as you will surely have flowers in every room in your life. Because you gave away a rose. Thinking that the Universe will supply a load in return. And you still have that beautiful bunch of flowers on your desk- with one less yellow rose.
One of those roses was handed over because there was an abundance of beauty, and it could be shared and would not only not be diminished, but exponentially grown, because there are now two people who have flowers that are making their hearts sing.
The other rose was given with a good kind heart, but from a place of thinking that this may be the last bunch I ever get - which would be very sad - and so to increase my chances I will give some away and then I will most certainly be rewarded with another bunch at some time in the future.
It is subtle, this difference. And seen from a step away there seems to be no difference at all.
One scenario has a bunch of flowers - less one, which leaves it 'less than' it was at the start. one owner of the slightly diminished bunch who is now living in the hope of getting more, but not really believing that this tenfold thing can work. one new recipient with a single yellow rose that is so deeply loved.
The other story sees so many pools of love and beauty - one bunch of flowers. one happy owner of the bunch. one new recipient with one single yellow rose that is so deeply loved.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is Optional.
All of us on the planet are faced with challenges of one sort or another on a daily basis. Not every path we meet is smooth and carefree. Some paths are - but they are few and far between. For the rest of us, however, pain of some sort is inevitable.
We all know what types of pain we face. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Spiritual pain. The pain that comes with physical growth or deterioration. Emotional growth has us peeling away the layers of the proverbial onion - and onions often burn our eyes! Spiritual growth often demands that we re-think our beliefs and at times, we need to let go of that which no longer makes sense, or sustains us.
We tend to manage these pains - we cover it with plasters. We drink alcohol to numb it. We try to ignore it. We hurt others in an attempt to feel a little better ourselves. We become quite creative in our ways to do just about anything so that we don't have to feel pain.
There is good news, however. Suffering is optional. It is a choice we can make.There is no need to succumb to the pain that we or some loved one is experiencing. We can choose to look at what is happening, acknowledge the pain, and then attempt to find the way that helps us rise above it. Not to be in denial of the anguish the pain may be causing, Not to pretend it isn't there at all. The more we stay stuck in it, the more power it has over our lives. And it robs us of times that we would rather have filled with happiness.
We can look for the lesson the pain brings. What does it bring into focus? How does it help us to be grateful for something else? Which part of our lives do we now appreciate more deeply? In what way are we more understanding, sympathetic, empathetic? What new opportunities have arisen from this challenge? What have we learnt that we may otherwise have missed?
Who came to help us? Who showed their true colours? How have we grown?
One thing I know for sure, is that there is nothing that comes into our lives that does not also bring it's gift. Finding that gift may take time and effort, but it is always well worth the search! Instead of the gray and black you may have been seeing, you might find the pot of gold at the end of that beautiful rainbow of colours that you are now choosing to see instead.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
We all know what types of pain we face. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Spiritual pain. The pain that comes with physical growth or deterioration. Emotional growth has us peeling away the layers of the proverbial onion - and onions often burn our eyes! Spiritual growth often demands that we re-think our beliefs and at times, we need to let go of that which no longer makes sense, or sustains us.
We tend to manage these pains - we cover it with plasters. We drink alcohol to numb it. We try to ignore it. We hurt others in an attempt to feel a little better ourselves. We become quite creative in our ways to do just about anything so that we don't have to feel pain.
There is good news, however. Suffering is optional. It is a choice we can make.There is no need to succumb to the pain that we or some loved one is experiencing. We can choose to look at what is happening, acknowledge the pain, and then attempt to find the way that helps us rise above it. Not to be in denial of the anguish the pain may be causing, Not to pretend it isn't there at all. The more we stay stuck in it, the more power it has over our lives. And it robs us of times that we would rather have filled with happiness.
We can look for the lesson the pain brings. What does it bring into focus? How does it help us to be grateful for something else? Which part of our lives do we now appreciate more deeply? In what way are we more understanding, sympathetic, empathetic? What new opportunities have arisen from this challenge? What have we learnt that we may otherwise have missed?
Who came to help us? Who showed their true colours? How have we grown?
One thing I know for sure, is that there is nothing that comes into our lives that does not also bring it's gift. Finding that gift may take time and effort, but it is always well worth the search! Instead of the gray and black you may have been seeing, you might find the pot of gold at the end of that beautiful rainbow of colours that you are now choosing to see instead.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
resolving relationships
Letting go of a relationship that was once deep and meaningful can sometimes be a challenge. Having to disconnect from that which was once fun and joyful and is now less than that, can conjure up so many different emotions. Hurt, anger, jealousy and frustration being just a few.
Usually, with romantic relationships, we have projected ourselves into the future - the trips we will make together, the way we will enjoy our children, grandchildren, pets. And then the dream dies. All of a sudden, there is a void where once there was something. Something that had real value in your life.
One or both of you have to leave the shared home. There is a sadness around leaving the place which once was the refuge from the outside world. Personally, I mourned the loss of my 'soft place to land', as I called my home and my family.
Over the coming years, whilst meeting the new challenge of being single in a world filled with friends who came in two's, I worked on releasing the past. Letting go of the shared dreams. Trying not to feel hurt when being excluded because of a lack of partner for those trips that required 'couples' - they all marched into Noah's Ark together. To have fun. Fun that excluded me. Oh the pain!
Slowly but surely, bit by bit, I dealt with each emotion as it arose. Well, to be honest, I shelved a few emotions until I had no option but to face them. As many of us do in these circumstances. But face them I did. And I learned how to create dreams for the newly single self. Life was going well.
After some years, I realised that there were still some unresolved issues in my life with regard to my ex. He still had the power to make me angry. I had done so much soul searching, learning, studying new ideas, attending self-help and metaphysical courses, and I could not understand why there were still these remnants of pain. I thought that I had healed all aspects of that failed relationship. I had peeled away the layers of so very many onions! But still there was more....
In my research on the subject, I came across the understanding that in order to let go on a deeper level, I had to write my gratitude list. I knew I had so much to be grateful for in my life. I am steeped in blessings every day. I knew all there was to know about lists of gratitude, didn't I?
This new gratitude list had nothing to do with my current blessings.It had to do with the partner I had left. I had to understand exactly why I had chosen this person to be in my life. This was about being grateful for a relationship that no longer worked.
And so began the process of being grateful for every single day we spent together. There was much to appreciate. Some of the gifts he had given me were not always pleasant ones. But they were still gifts. They allowed me to define what I wanted in my life, and what I certainly never wanted in my life again. I have no doubt that the gratitude list that he could compile would be pretty similar - as much as he was challenge for me, I certainly gave him plenty of food for thought!
Without this man having been in my life, I would not be the person that I am today. Apart from our wonderful daughters, the greatest gift he gave to me was my Self.
He encouraged my growth and believed in me and saw who I was, many years before I was even aware that there was a 'me'. I have no idea who I may have become without him at my side for those years, but I am overjoyed with the end result.
So many people are resistant to the idea of being truly grateful to the partners who have discarded them, or who have caused them pain, emotionally, physically, spiritually. But for as long as one holds onto the anger, the pain, the resentment, the hurt - there is no real movement into the future of joy and happiness and peace and harmony and - well pretty much all the good stuff. One can pretend that the past is the past and that all is well right now, and then one day you trip over the pile of pain that you had so neatly swept under the carpet!
Hah- that is the moment to do that list. Despite the seeming impossibility of it. Every single word you write on the list, is a huge bound into the future you so desire. Every single word you write on that list makes space in your life for that which is currently missing. Every single word you write on that list allows you to claim that light and love and joy. Every single word that you write on that list propels you into being More of Who You Are!
And that, my friend, is why you write the list. So that you can become YOU!
Anything less than being YOU leaves you hooked into the past of pain and regret - writing the list is an investment. It is time well spent. Because having had that relationship in the first place, helped you along the road to YOU.
You can choose to invest that same time in dwelling in the past that no longer sustains you and which causes you pain. Or you can pick up a beautiful pen, put it to a gorgeous piece of paper, and allow yourself the freedom you desire.
Within a month, a week, a day, a minute - your choice - YOU will be free. To be YOU. All of you will now be available to be in the moment. All of you will be there to be present for your new partner. All of you will be there to welcome new ones into your life. All of you will be here to have fun, have new experiences. All of you will be here to take the next step on your new path.
You are dearly loved.
Usually, with romantic relationships, we have projected ourselves into the future - the trips we will make together, the way we will enjoy our children, grandchildren, pets. And then the dream dies. All of a sudden, there is a void where once there was something. Something that had real value in your life.
One or both of you have to leave the shared home. There is a sadness around leaving the place which once was the refuge from the outside world. Personally, I mourned the loss of my 'soft place to land', as I called my home and my family.
Over the coming years, whilst meeting the new challenge of being single in a world filled with friends who came in two's, I worked on releasing the past. Letting go of the shared dreams. Trying not to feel hurt when being excluded because of a lack of partner for those trips that required 'couples' - they all marched into Noah's Ark together. To have fun. Fun that excluded me. Oh the pain!
Slowly but surely, bit by bit, I dealt with each emotion as it arose. Well, to be honest, I shelved a few emotions until I had no option but to face them. As many of us do in these circumstances. But face them I did. And I learned how to create dreams for the newly single self. Life was going well.
After some years, I realised that there were still some unresolved issues in my life with regard to my ex. He still had the power to make me angry. I had done so much soul searching, learning, studying new ideas, attending self-help and metaphysical courses, and I could not understand why there were still these remnants of pain. I thought that I had healed all aspects of that failed relationship. I had peeled away the layers of so very many onions! But still there was more....
In my research on the subject, I came across the understanding that in order to let go on a deeper level, I had to write my gratitude list. I knew I had so much to be grateful for in my life. I am steeped in blessings every day. I knew all there was to know about lists of gratitude, didn't I?
This new gratitude list had nothing to do with my current blessings.It had to do with the partner I had left. I had to understand exactly why I had chosen this person to be in my life. This was about being grateful for a relationship that no longer worked.
And so began the process of being grateful for every single day we spent together. There was much to appreciate. Some of the gifts he had given me were not always pleasant ones. But they were still gifts. They allowed me to define what I wanted in my life, and what I certainly never wanted in my life again. I have no doubt that the gratitude list that he could compile would be pretty similar - as much as he was challenge for me, I certainly gave him plenty of food for thought!
Without this man having been in my life, I would not be the person that I am today. Apart from our wonderful daughters, the greatest gift he gave to me was my Self.
He encouraged my growth and believed in me and saw who I was, many years before I was even aware that there was a 'me'. I have no idea who I may have become without him at my side for those years, but I am overjoyed with the end result.
So many people are resistant to the idea of being truly grateful to the partners who have discarded them, or who have caused them pain, emotionally, physically, spiritually. But for as long as one holds onto the anger, the pain, the resentment, the hurt - there is no real movement into the future of joy and happiness and peace and harmony and - well pretty much all the good stuff. One can pretend that the past is the past and that all is well right now, and then one day you trip over the pile of pain that you had so neatly swept under the carpet!
Hah- that is the moment to do that list. Despite the seeming impossibility of it. Every single word you write on the list, is a huge bound into the future you so desire. Every single word you write on that list makes space in your life for that which is currently missing. Every single word you write on that list allows you to claim that light and love and joy. Every single word that you write on that list propels you into being More of Who You Are!
And that, my friend, is why you write the list. So that you can become YOU!
Anything less than being YOU leaves you hooked into the past of pain and regret - writing the list is an investment. It is time well spent. Because having had that relationship in the first place, helped you along the road to YOU.
You can choose to invest that same time in dwelling in the past that no longer sustains you and which causes you pain. Or you can pick up a beautiful pen, put it to a gorgeous piece of paper, and allow yourself the freedom you desire.
Within a month, a week, a day, a minute - your choice - YOU will be free. To be YOU. All of you will now be available to be in the moment. All of you will be there to be present for your new partner. All of you will be there to welcome new ones into your life. All of you will be here to have fun, have new experiences. All of you will be here to take the next step on your new path.
You are dearly loved.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
My Teachers - Thank you
Uncle Bob - for addressing me as if I was his equal - not 'just a child'
Miss Katz - for being the first strong woman I admired - the first of many! But still - the first.
Lisa - for showing me what it was like to have money enough to buy HUGE chocolate bars! And with the challenges you faced - poor little rich girl.
Peter - for teaching me about love at first sight
Tony - for teaching me about double standards
Leigh Anne - for the lessons in saying sorry without saying sorry. For always looking for the positive in life - even though I only got the message later. Much later. But at least you tried. Not too sure that I wanted that lesson in empty apologies - but clearly I needed it.
Nanny McPhee - when you need me but don't want me, I will be here. When you want me, but don't need me, I will have to leave. Mmmmm - perhaps this is the biggest lesson for me right now!
Marie - your ability to take the bones of the story and flesh it out and make it real.
Elizabeth - your ability to strip a story down to the bones so that I can see everything clearly.
John - for the reminder that I prefer to be impartial, an observer, rather than being passionately bigoted.
Dad - not too sure that you did a good thing allowing me to blatantly lie - and get away with it. But I did learn about love.......
Vonita - lessons in perseverance and boldness
Renee - you can do whatever you want, no matter what happens or who gets hurt. no matter what.
Richard Bach - who described the lesson of doing whatever you want - no matter what.
Neville, Graham, Pinky, Mr D from the church, Dion, and so many others - I learnt that wedding bands were often merely trinkets. Not everything goes according to the fairytale scripts.
Richard - for letting Lee and I practice...............
Les - pedestals are not always stable places.
Averil - the iconic Victim - completely in denial
Cath, Di, Sue - huge human hearts
Wendy - the courage to make it - thousands of miles from 'home'. And then attracting a beautiful partner to share it. I haven't got this lesson right yet - but there is time.
Gabby - the Child - mine still a bit wrapped up - but shedding the swaddling bands.......
Colin - for the sense of being More Than in your presence.
Brett - appreciation of life and love
Theun - 'see yourself through my eyes'
Mum - lessons on filtering through ones' own lens, and generosity
Angie - a different world view
Doug - choices
Abraham - yum. what else can I say?
Di - gosh, you need a medal, girl. Friendship. Loyalty. Endurance. Contentment. And Dads need to do the after-dark driving for the children.
Adrian - for walking me into my new belief system, despite it being at odds with your own. My life saver. Thank you for your gentleness with me - even during my raging rants.
Many more - for another day - but I have to return to Uncle Bob - I again thank you for treating me like a peer - as Theun reminds me - when I am in doubt of who I am or what I can do - I will look at myself through your eyes. Uncle Bob, I know you passed many many years before I understood your value in my life - but I am sure you know that I am appreciative. Beyond measure.
Miss Katz - for being the first strong woman I admired - the first of many! But still - the first.
Lisa - for showing me what it was like to have money enough to buy HUGE chocolate bars! And with the challenges you faced - poor little rich girl.
Peter - for teaching me about love at first sight
Tony - for teaching me about double standards
Leigh Anne - for the lessons in saying sorry without saying sorry. For always looking for the positive in life - even though I only got the message later. Much later. But at least you tried. Not too sure that I wanted that lesson in empty apologies - but clearly I needed it.
Nanny McPhee - when you need me but don't want me, I will be here. When you want me, but don't need me, I will have to leave. Mmmmm - perhaps this is the biggest lesson for me right now!
Marie - your ability to take the bones of the story and flesh it out and make it real.
Elizabeth - your ability to strip a story down to the bones so that I can see everything clearly.
John - for the reminder that I prefer to be impartial, an observer, rather than being passionately bigoted.
Dad - not too sure that you did a good thing allowing me to blatantly lie - and get away with it. But I did learn about love.......
Vonita - lessons in perseverance and boldness
Renee - you can do whatever you want, no matter what happens or who gets hurt. no matter what.
Richard Bach - who described the lesson of doing whatever you want - no matter what.
Neville, Graham, Pinky, Mr D from the church, Dion, and so many others - I learnt that wedding bands were often merely trinkets. Not everything goes according to the fairytale scripts.
Richard - for letting Lee and I practice...............
Les - pedestals are not always stable places.
Averil - the iconic Victim - completely in denial
Cath, Di, Sue - huge human hearts
Wendy - the courage to make it - thousands of miles from 'home'. And then attracting a beautiful partner to share it. I haven't got this lesson right yet - but there is time.
Gabby - the Child - mine still a bit wrapped up - but shedding the swaddling bands.......
Colin - for the sense of being More Than in your presence.
Brett - appreciation of life and love
Theun - 'see yourself through my eyes'
Mum - lessons on filtering through ones' own lens, and generosity
Angie - a different world view
Doug - choices
Abraham - yum. what else can I say?
Di - gosh, you need a medal, girl. Friendship. Loyalty. Endurance. Contentment. And Dads need to do the after-dark driving for the children.
Adrian - for walking me into my new belief system, despite it being at odds with your own. My life saver. Thank you for your gentleness with me - even during my raging rants.
Many more - for another day - but I have to return to Uncle Bob - I again thank you for treating me like a peer - as Theun reminds me - when I am in doubt of who I am or what I can do - I will look at myself through your eyes. Uncle Bob, I know you passed many many years before I understood your value in my life - but I am sure you know that I am appreciative. Beyond measure.
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