the empty bowl

the word ~ misconstrued ~  and the concept of it, has come up once too often for me of late

which makes me think that perhaps I am out of step with what others are saying or doing, that the perspective from which I view it or perceive things is somehow "out of alignment"

but out of alignment with what?

it is becoming a tad annoying. I am not comfortable with this level of disconnect and I am not going to try to fix it

there are gifts in the misunderstanding

today a friend said a few words, and how I received them was in total contrast from what she meant to say

I accept that my view was one sided - as was hers - neither of us had considered the other opinion until I spoke up

and in the speaking up, I began to understand a new aspect of Me. and as my blog says - this is always all about me. what I learn and feel and think and understand and laugh at and love ...

the 'misconstruing' of her words awakened me to the part of me that was  (I say was, as it is now in the past)   far too ready to dismiss my needs and desires and was far too willing to be of service


I know that my life's path is to be of service to others - but not to the extent that it is a denial of my requirements

not to the extent that I give until there is seemingly nothing left for me

an empty bowl feeds no-one

it says a lot about you

Some time back, I came across a line that rings so true to me.

A person’s action says everything about that person, and pretty much nothing about anyone else, especially me!

Too often, I felt responsible for what others did. As if I was in charge of the whole world! How silly of me.

Once I understood that the whole world did not revolve around me (although …um …just saying …) I could relax and learn to be at peace with what others chose to do – whether society would judge the actions as good, bad, evil or whatever. I just accepted that we all choose what we do – which may not be congruent with what we say – and that is just the way it is!

At the same time, I have to accept that what I do says an awful lot, or a lovely lot, about me.

Lately, perhaps the last 18 months or so, I have been going through a really sad and tough time. I spent one Xmas day sobbing my heart out. Feeling broken and discarded and alone. I swore on that day that I would never allow that to happen to me again.

The next Xmas saw me hopping onto a plane to far away to spend that family time with some loved ones who wanted me there. Loved ones who welcomed my presence, and I had a happier time than the year before. However, the broken-ness had not healed itself. There was still a lot of healing time and attention required.

Shortly after my return home, I had to say goodbye to my Dad as he made his way home to loved ones who had gone before him. Suddenly, I became acutely aware of how shattered and fractured I had become over the last few years. Suddenly there was no longer a place to hide

During the four months or so that followed, I retreated within. I could not sit with another and share my pain and heartache. There were offers of help, but I was so afraid that I would break down so completely and utterly that there would be no coming back. I had to go through this process alone. Day by day, I subconsciously and consciously worked on finding the Me that had seemed to have gone AWOL

Bit by bit – literally – I put the pieces back together again. Largely this was a very private and intimate process. Many friends  offered wonderful insights through their words when I reached out.

During this tender and bruising and gentle and harsh and difficult and prickly and turbulent and lonely time, there are things I chose to do that may have seemed unkind to others. I set very strong boundaries. I told some people to leave me alone when I felt that I was being ‘stalked’. There were times that I felt as if someone was knocking on my door, and no matter how many times I answered the door, they kept knocking. I reduced my friends list on facebook.  I could no longer have a connection with those who were argumentative or contentious or political or uber-religious and fundamentalist. In the past, I had enjoyed the interaction. But this healing time was so vital and essential and important that I could not tolerate anything that distracted me.

So, for all those who thought I was being cruel or unkind or unfeeling or whatever, I can only say one thing. What I did says everything about Me and nothing much about you. It was my time to do what I needed to do in order to become a fully functional member of the human race again.

I do not apologise for any action I took during this time, because it taught me a lot about Who I Am and how important I Am to Me! I realised that I have been way too accommodating of others and their foibles, to the detriment of my own Journey.

What I chose to do says so much about me. And I learned a lot about me – and perhaps my actions gave you a chance to learn about you!

Because our actions speak louder than words.

and if you got this far - thank you for reading it - it says a lot about You ......

Presence

For months I have felt as if I am out of step with something. I think it may be that I have been out of step with me!

I have felt as if I was empty – nothing to offer in the way of emotional support of another – and certainly not able to be much good to myself either.

I have tried to explain this to some friends. 

Largely they have tried to understand – but I also have not had the energy to go into any sort of depth with my explanations of why I am out of sync with me and the rest of the human race.

I know I am still in a mourning process – not so much for Dad – I had him in my life for almost 60 years – I am extremely lucky. But in mourning for Knowing Who I Am. That has been missing.  I have lost track of Who I Am and how I fit into this world.

I find I am not able to sit and really talk with anyone. Sometimes the people who are available are not those who understand me best. Partly because those I want to talk with are not available to me right now. Time zones are different, and life gets busy

Today I reached out so someone on the other side of the world and exchanged a few letters.

I said that I was not able to really explain what is going on with me, since there seems to be no ‘earth’ words for what I want to say. The best I could come up with is that it is vibrational.  I know it to be true – but that is all – I KNOW – I cannot explain. And I got so tired of trying to explain why I am not the MySelf that we all seem to recall.

The following is an extract from her letter …

your dad transitioning must've triggered something that put you on another level, but one you're not used to yet so it feels strange. 

I know you're not going back, because what was is not there for you now....

I guess this is another ....... presence for you.  

Another way of being present, I mean. 

To keep all you know as familiar inside, but to leave it behind at the same time because you're somewhere else now.

Oh wow! The beautiful understanding and verbalising of what I have been feeling. 

And what really popped out for me was the word ‘present’

As in, Presence! 

The moment I read that word, I knew for sure that she is a messenger from my Guides and Angels – they have been trying to alert me to the fact that I have a new Guide with me now – or a different group of Guides. 

I am not yet sure – but what I do know for sure is that despite having been recently orphaned – I am not, and never will be, alone ……

I wonder why it is so easy for me to forget my own mantra ...I Am Divinely Guarded and Guided. 

perhaps I did not forget it. perhaps I just forgot to apply it to me!

I Am Divinely Guarded and Guided. We all are .....

Being an Orphan

Oh wow! I have known for some time that I will become an orphan. Mum died some years back and Dad was heading into his 90's - and getting frailer by the day!

Now, to become an orphan is one thing - and to become an orphan when your owns sands of time are running out, is another. When you are young and you lose your parents, it is probably very tough. But there is also an inbuilt resilience that comes with youth.

Being thrust into this scenario when one is almost looking for free bus passes is way different from what I ever would have imagined.

Since my divorce, my Dear Dad has pretty much been my primary relationship - and therefore the loss of him is acute. There was never any decision ever made about my life without factoring Dad into the equation. Trips to the other side of the world to visit my daughter had me organising friends and family to oversee him. Make sure he had enough treats, enough company. I sent emails to the care home - WITH BIG PRINT - so that he could keep up to date with me and read it himself!

Now I am beginning to wonder Who I Am? I was pretty sure I knew the answer before he left, but I am certainly not quite so sure any more. Suddenly, I have no parents. Suddenly, I am the Big Person in my life! Suddenly, I have to stand up all by myself - it is like being just a few months old again - learning to do everything independently!

Since I am struggling to come to terms with it all, I think I will be posting here more often - mostly in search of those damned marbles that seem to be going AWOL!

I eagerly await the unfolding of the Me I have always kind of been ...but more so. I know it sounds odd - but I really care not a jot - as long as it makes sense to me!

just a little reminder for Me ...I can be happy during this process ....


.....

Always.......Never

a few days ago I was wondering where my rhythm and routine and 'home' is ....I spent time with others who have others who have partners and do things together as couples, or independently of one another - although, when the end of the day arrives, they get to share the days events in conversation and companionship

when you live alone, that does not happen. no matter how exciting or boring the day has been - there is aloneness when darkness falls

I have been thinking about all of this - mulling it over in my mind, and when I remember the conversations I have had with them, I noticed that two words came up regularly

Always......


Never.....



We always eat breakfast together. 

We have never eaten in a restaurant on Boxing Day. 

I have never worn navy blue since I was in school 50 years ago

I always ....

We always....

I never....

We never.....


such absolutes. 

I am not sure that I am capable of such absolutes. some years ago during a leadership course, I had to complete the sentence that began with ....I Will Never .......

I was stumped. it took some thinking about. obviously I was in the mindset of the leadership course - I was not thinking of things like - I will never eat hedgehog, or something similar


now I am wondering if I can live a life that has such strict guidelines ...I have always tended towards a little more latitude than I never or I always..


I Always enjoy being able to try some new things and I Never feel that I have to do things just because others are doing it ....

this life is full of interesting options ..



...........

responsibility!

I tried running away from responsibility.

It has not worked!

How can I run away from what is within me? If I knew, I would do so.

I have no idea. Usually I have many ideas. Right now, the ideas box is empty!

I know it is not empty - I know that I am in a resistant mode right now and I 

do not care how that looks to anyone else.

I know that all is well at all times.

Therefore, I know it is okay for me to melt down, weep and wail and feel

sorry for myself for a short while

I will bounce back. History proves that claim. 

but for now - I am going to wallow in feeling like a victim of circumstance,

despite ALL that I know to the contrary!

damn, I am tired. to the core of me. desperately wishing that things

were different. but they are what they are. and I Am that I Am ....

and soon, very very soon, I will feel strong again!

but for now - can I hand this image over to someone else ...

so that THEY can be left in charge ....?

please?

I wonder.....

and that is it! I wonder!

I wonder about so many things. I always have and I guess I always will, wonder.....

and one of the things that is intriguing me at the moment, is why do I always want to know more, do more, understand more?

I have spent the last few days with a fun-loving family, and since I live alone, that is already a difference for me. I have been watching all the interactions, and there is a part of me that YEARNS for the sense of rhythm and routine that surrounds the older couple, especially. They are only about 10 years older than me - not much, but it would seem they are from another era

I watched and listened. They know what they are going to do next week - the plans are made. They have a routine for breakfast in summer. the routine is different in winter, as they choose warmer, more filling food.

They do things together, they do things independently of one another;  but the rhythm remains constant. Dinner is at a certain time, preceded and followed by tea times or coffee times, at which point, there may be a nibble of either sweet or savoury nature.

I want this. I want a rhythm that is like a security blanket in my life. I am weary of always chasing after goals. I am different and although I loved this aspect of me in the past, there is something else emerging from within. the desire for more routine.

I want to be able to stop searching for the place where I belong. I want to arrive there, and know.....

I claim gentle this coming year.

2013 - all I really really really want is gentle ...soft and gentle and home

thank you.