it is time to claim the title!

I Am ...we all are ...unlimited beings.

there are times that we believe we are limited, and that is perfectly okay. we are allowed to think what we please. it is one of the great things about being on this physical planet

it is time for me to claim the title of unlimited. I see how I am messing with my own head as I try to make plans for my life and then unbundle myself with silly thoughts based in fear

I have, like you, faced many challenges, and since I am almost as old as Methuselah, I guess I can confidently state that not only did I face them, I survived and thrived!

so I am stating, publicly, that I claim the Being Unlimited title ...

I will be back ...but I have things to do - people to see - AddVentures to have ....



cheerio for now


and have a stunning day


....

Scotland ...Yes or No to independence

On 18 September 2014, Scotland will vote to be / or not to be ...an independent country


I have dear friends and family who are in either the Yes or No camp ....and I have not been able to figure out for myself, what the best way forward will be for this strong and beautiful nation

I know too little of the story - I am too far away and essentially it is not anything much to do with me - other than that I am a citizen in this world. Yet I feel as if it is very important, this vote.

I care. Very deeply, I care about how it will all unfold. Some loved ones are going to be very excited when the vote goes the way they want it. Other loved ones will be unhappy.

The thing for me is .....this Yes / No vote reflects something of myself back to me......

I am in the space of making decisions about my life, about my way forward, and I know how important it is for me to MAKE decisions. To say No to the Old and Stuck and Exhausting ....and Yes to the Future filled with Mystery and AddVentures ....

My mother was Scottish ...my roots are there ...and the vote will take place on what would have been her birthday.

I have also been told that I should keep an eye on world events, as there is an aspect in my astrological chart that shows that I can be affected by world events ...(okay - I am sure Rod Suskin would whack me on the head for not explaining this correctly - suffice to say - he suggested I keep an eye on events and work out how they relate to my life - any pedantic astrologers out there are welcome to consider me uninformed or ignorant ....I know that what others think is not my concern.....I am going with what I remember - the essence of what I understand about his words to me)

The vote in Scotland is important to me - more than it was an hour ago when I began this blog. It reflects a Bigger Picture to me than just a tiny mighty nation deciding on it's way forward.



Like me, she has experience, resources, knowledge, wisdom, skills......I know that the world will love and accept and support us .....

Me and Scotland ...always intertwined ...and together we go forward ....I know what I am choosing for my life ...and I wait with excitement to see what Scotland decides for herself .....

cyclical creatures

I keep forgetting that we are cyclical creatures. 

We live in a world that passes from day into night and back into day. We circle around the Sun, the Moons circle around us, the Solar System probably circles around something else - or is being circled by different system. I am guessing - in the absence of actual knowledge - and basing my guesswork on all that I have observed during this lifetime.

So why am I constantly surprised when my mood takes a slump and makes me believe that there is no hope, I am a lost cause, I am unfocused and unproductive and therefore not adding value to the world, but merely a burden upon it and on my family and friends?

It seems so silly, because when I turn the corner into an upward mood swing, I realise that it was a natural cycle. We tend to appreciate the great and glorious more, when we have seen the less than lovely......


I shall attempt to remember this next time I go into a negative headspace. Would you please refer me to this blog when I start whining about being useless, a victim, a miserable excuse as a human? Please...!

Because as I said in the first line - I keep forgetting that we are cyclical creatures ...and this too shall pass ...

it is yin and yang. it is up and down. it is near and far. it is beloved and unloved, it is happy and sad. it is north and south. it is kind and harsh. it is laughing and crying. it is everything inbetween ...and it is all okay.

......

word!!!

if there is one thing I know for sure about myself - it is that I love words.

I love reading them

I love writing them

I love using them and sharing them and listening to them

and I love learning new words

I have friends who process their thoughts and their challenges in peace and quiet, alone.

I have to talk through my stuff. 

as others offer words of advice or wisdom, I begin to see my issue from another perspective - which allows me clarity and solutions

I am going to buy myself a beautiful teddy bear

I am going to give it a lovely name (we will choose it together) and then that beloved bear will be my sounding board when I am not able to call someone 


hey Sounding Board Bear ...when are you arriving? I am looking forward to meeting you ...


and I am so keen to know what name we will choose ....

......

concentration is easy!

I know I can concentrate! I have done it before. I can do it again.....

I look forward to the time when it is easier to think. I am so adept at finding many solutions to one problem, which is great for brainstorming, but it does become debilitating when there are so many options available and I struggle to decide which path to follow.

Schoolchildren get drugs to help them concentrate. I use supplements in the hopes that I will be able to calm my mind down to a mild panic. It doesn't always work.

I chose to sit and read a book, since it is such a warm day that most other things feel like too much effort. After 5 pages or so, the thought about writing my blog popped up. So, here I am ... writing instead of reading.

I wonder what it is that I am doing that is causing this endless chatter in my brain. And I wonder what it is that I can do to get it quiet and allow only one voice to speak at a time ...

All pieces of advice appreciated .......

ch. ch. ch. changing ...

It is inevitable

It is inescapable

It may even be un-run-away-from-able

absolute. set in stone. concrete. eternal.

Change - we cannot do anything but!

from the moment of conception, where we changed from sperm and egg into (eventually) THE most beautiful creature on the planet, (ask your mum, she will confirm ...) ...change is what it was ALL about

two cells. four cells. eight. sixteen ....I don't need to go on - because you know the story.

out we popped, and suddenly our lungs and skin and mouths and nostrils all had new tasks. we changed from foetus to squealing little darlings

darlings that could not get anywhere without help. for a while.

we changed that, too

up onto knees. then feet. then onto bikes and into cars. aeroplanes were next on the list for some.


all the time, changing.

from being incapable of verbally expressing what we wanted or required, to being (in most cases) fairly articulate

and as time marched on, we changed our minds. we changed our friendships. we changed from living at home with mum and dad, to moving onto and into a different relationship with others and the world.

we change our jobs. we change from loving some food and drink, to loving other options and discarding some previously adored taste preferences

as we age, our skin changes. the hair changes colour, or disappears entirely. we wrinkle up like little prunes - unless we are super lucky

and yet, when change appears on our horizon, we embrace the fear of it. anything that challenges our comfort zone, gets us whizzing into a frothy spin.

I wonder why that is? when change is the only constant in our lives, why is it that it can hold (or at least, seem to hold) such power and authority over us

perhaps, as a society, we could view change as an awesome chance to review the way things are

perhaps, as a society, we could encourage each other to embrace change

I know for sure that I love change - when I am the orchestrator of it. when I choose the music and conduct the orchestra

my furniture gets dizzy from being moved from one room to another, or across the room to the other side.

but I also know, that like me, when change happens that seems to come from outside of us, we panic. mildly or violently - there is a scale of the anxiety it brings - but not all of us have the skills to embrace ALL change.

and, rather than wondering why it is that change brings some level of anxiety, perhaps it is better to wonder - how we can embrace it more readily

we have become (gosh, I am excellent at generalisations) a consumer society that buys and discards things so readily. but our beliefs and traditions and more importantly, the negative things we have heard people say about us or to us, we hang onto those things as if our lives depend on it

when really, our lives may well depend on letting go, instead ....

let's find the way to accept the challenge that change brings, and learn to orchestrate how we choose to feel about the changes

because, for me, that is where the power lies -in how we see it, and how we feel about it and how we choose to deal with change

because, change is part of being here on Earth. our life on this planet is ALL about change........

Knowing your strength

a group of young girls I was working with years ago got the chance to learn to row and sail a boat on a lake

it involved not only learning to tie knots that would keep the boat alongside when required - but all the other skills that one needs on the water for survival

part of the project was putting a fairly heavy wooden boat into the water, and when the day was done, pulling it out again and cleaning it in readiness for the next day

well, I am not sure what happens in your neck of the woods - but in my world I have found that if there is a gaggle of giggling girls, I have found it usual that there a bunch of giggling boys not far away ......

the girls were determined to do everything that was required so that they would become skilled on and off the water, and the boys were just as determined to show that they were the strong and clever ones ...and that THEY could get the boat out of the water faster and more efficiently - and in the process, look like heroes!

the girls took umbrage at this and insisted that the boys stand back and allow them to do the job, so that they could prove how strong and resilient and able girls are....

the girls won the day - the boys had to stand back and watch the girls struggle to get the boat up the slipway - did I mention that it is a big heavy wooden boat? 

the girls were asking later on, why it is that the boys see them as weak and useless. there was much discussion for a while. as you can imagine

the next day, as soon as it was 'on the water' time, the girls stood back and let the boys do the heavy work. when the boat had to be dragged up the slipway, the girls watched the boys proving how strong they are

it was a win win situation based on our discussion the night before. once the girls KNEW that they could do it, they could graciously stand back and watch the boys getting wet and dirty, looking like heroes ...

the girls had nothing to prove any more - they had shown clearly the day before that they could do the task..

they knew their strength

they knew their ability

they knew that the boys would want to keep proving to girls that they were the strong ones ....

but the girls knew better - they were getting the task done without lifting a finger!!!

strength and power .....they had it in spades!!!

the empty bowl

the word ~ misconstrued ~  and the concept of it, has come up once too often for me of late

which makes me think that perhaps I am out of step with what others are saying or doing, that the perspective from which I view it or perceive things is somehow "out of alignment"

but out of alignment with what?

it is becoming a tad annoying. I am not comfortable with this level of disconnect and I am not going to try to fix it

there are gifts in the misunderstanding

today a friend said a few words, and how I received them was in total contrast from what she meant to say

I accept that my view was one sided - as was hers - neither of us had considered the other opinion until I spoke up

and in the speaking up, I began to understand a new aspect of Me. and as my blog says - this is always all about me. what I learn and feel and think and understand and laugh at and love ...

the 'misconstruing' of her words awakened me to the part of me that was  (I say was, as it is now in the past)   far too ready to dismiss my needs and desires and was far too willing to be of service


I know that my life's path is to be of service to others - but not to the extent that it is a denial of my requirements

not to the extent that I give until there is seemingly nothing left for me

an empty bowl feeds no-one

it says a lot about you

Some time back, I came across a line that rings so true to me.

A person’s action says everything about that person, and pretty much nothing about anyone else, especially me!

Too often, I felt responsible for what others did. As if I was in charge of the whole world! How silly of me.

Once I understood that the whole world did not revolve around me (although …um …just saying …) I could relax and learn to be at peace with what others chose to do – whether society would judge the actions as good, bad, evil or whatever. I just accepted that we all choose what we do – which may not be congruent with what we say – and that is just the way it is!

At the same time, I have to accept that what I do says an awful lot, or a lovely lot, about me.

Lately, perhaps the last 18 months or so, I have been going through a really sad and tough time. I spent one Xmas day sobbing my heart out. Feeling broken and discarded and alone. I swore on that day that I would never allow that to happen to me again.

The next Xmas saw me hopping onto a plane to far away to spend that family time with some loved ones who wanted me there. Loved ones who welcomed my presence, and I had a happier time than the year before. However, the broken-ness had not healed itself. There was still a lot of healing time and attention required.

Shortly after my return home, I had to say goodbye to my Dad as he made his way home to loved ones who had gone before him. Suddenly, I became acutely aware of how shattered and fractured I had become over the last few years. Suddenly there was no longer a place to hide

During the four months or so that followed, I retreated within. I could not sit with another and share my pain and heartache. There were offers of help, but I was so afraid that I would break down so completely and utterly that there would be no coming back. I had to go through this process alone. Day by day, I subconsciously and consciously worked on finding the Me that had seemed to have gone AWOL

Bit by bit – literally – I put the pieces back together again. Largely this was a very private and intimate process. Many friends  offered wonderful insights through their words when I reached out.

During this tender and bruising and gentle and harsh and difficult and prickly and turbulent and lonely time, there are things I chose to do that may have seemed unkind to others. I set very strong boundaries. I told some people to leave me alone when I felt that I was being ‘stalked’. There were times that I felt as if someone was knocking on my door, and no matter how many times I answered the door, they kept knocking. I reduced my friends list on facebook.  I could no longer have a connection with those who were argumentative or contentious or political or uber-religious and fundamentalist. In the past, I had enjoyed the interaction. But this healing time was so vital and essential and important that I could not tolerate anything that distracted me.

So, for all those who thought I was being cruel or unkind or unfeeling or whatever, I can only say one thing. What I did says everything about Me and nothing much about you. It was my time to do what I needed to do in order to become a fully functional member of the human race again.

I do not apologise for any action I took during this time, because it taught me a lot about Who I Am and how important I Am to Me! I realised that I have been way too accommodating of others and their foibles, to the detriment of my own Journey.

What I chose to do says so much about me. And I learned a lot about me – and perhaps my actions gave you a chance to learn about you!

Because our actions speak louder than words.

and if you got this far - thank you for reading it - it says a lot about You ......

Presence

For months I have felt as if I am out of step with something. I think it may be that I have been out of step with me!

I have felt as if I was empty – nothing to offer in the way of emotional support of another – and certainly not able to be much good to myself either.

I have tried to explain this to some friends. 

Largely they have tried to understand – but I also have not had the energy to go into any sort of depth with my explanations of why I am out of sync with me and the rest of the human race.

I know I am still in a mourning process – not so much for Dad – I had him in my life for almost 60 years – I am extremely lucky. But in mourning for Knowing Who I Am. That has been missing.  I have lost track of Who I Am and how I fit into this world.

I find I am not able to sit and really talk with anyone. Sometimes the people who are available are not those who understand me best. Partly because those I want to talk with are not available to me right now. Time zones are different, and life gets busy

Today I reached out so someone on the other side of the world and exchanged a few letters.

I said that I was not able to really explain what is going on with me, since there seems to be no ‘earth’ words for what I want to say. The best I could come up with is that it is vibrational.  I know it to be true – but that is all – I KNOW – I cannot explain. And I got so tired of trying to explain why I am not the MySelf that we all seem to recall.

The following is an extract from her letter …

your dad transitioning must've triggered something that put you on another level, but one you're not used to yet so it feels strange. 

I know you're not going back, because what was is not there for you now....

I guess this is another ....... presence for you.  

Another way of being present, I mean. 

To keep all you know as familiar inside, but to leave it behind at the same time because you're somewhere else now.

Oh wow! The beautiful understanding and verbalising of what I have been feeling. 

And what really popped out for me was the word ‘present’

As in, Presence! 

The moment I read that word, I knew for sure that she is a messenger from my Guides and Angels – they have been trying to alert me to the fact that I have a new Guide with me now – or a different group of Guides. 

I am not yet sure – but what I do know for sure is that despite having been recently orphaned – I am not, and never will be, alone ……

I wonder why it is so easy for me to forget my own mantra ...I Am Divinely Guarded and Guided. 

perhaps I did not forget it. perhaps I just forgot to apply it to me!

I Am Divinely Guarded and Guided. We all are .....

Being an Orphan

Oh wow! I have known for some time that I will become an orphan. Mum died some years back and Dad was heading into his 90's - and getting frailer by the day!

Now, to become an orphan is one thing - and to become an orphan when your owns sands of time are running out, is another. When you are young and you lose your parents, it is probably very tough. But there is also an inbuilt resilience that comes with youth.

Being thrust into this scenario when one is almost looking for free bus passes is way different from what I ever would have imagined.

Since my divorce, my Dear Dad has pretty much been my primary relationship - and therefore the loss of him is acute. There was never any decision ever made about my life without factoring Dad into the equation. Trips to the other side of the world to visit my daughter had me organising friends and family to oversee him. Make sure he had enough treats, enough company. I sent emails to the care home - WITH BIG PRINT - so that he could keep up to date with me and read it himself!

Now I am beginning to wonder Who I Am? I was pretty sure I knew the answer before he left, but I am certainly not quite so sure any more. Suddenly, I have no parents. Suddenly, I am the Big Person in my life! Suddenly, I have to stand up all by myself - it is like being just a few months old again - learning to do everything independently!

Since I am struggling to come to terms with it all, I think I will be posting here more often - mostly in search of those damned marbles that seem to be going AWOL!

I eagerly await the unfolding of the Me I have always kind of been ...but more so. I know it sounds odd - but I really care not a jot - as long as it makes sense to me!

just a little reminder for Me ...I can be happy during this process ....


.....

Always.......Never

a few days ago I was wondering where my rhythm and routine and 'home' is ....I spent time with others who have others who have partners and do things together as couples, or independently of one another - although, when the end of the day arrives, they get to share the days events in conversation and companionship

when you live alone, that does not happen. no matter how exciting or boring the day has been - there is aloneness when darkness falls

I have been thinking about all of this - mulling it over in my mind, and when I remember the conversations I have had with them, I noticed that two words came up regularly

Always......


Never.....



We always eat breakfast together. 

We have never eaten in a restaurant on Boxing Day. 

I have never worn navy blue since I was in school 50 years ago

I always ....

We always....

I never....

We never.....


such absolutes. 

I am not sure that I am capable of such absolutes. some years ago during a leadership course, I had to complete the sentence that began with ....I Will Never .......

I was stumped. it took some thinking about. obviously I was in the mindset of the leadership course - I was not thinking of things like - I will never eat hedgehog, or something similar


now I am wondering if I can live a life that has such strict guidelines ...I have always tended towards a little more latitude than I never or I always..


I Always enjoy being able to try some new things and I Never feel that I have to do things just because others are doing it ....

this life is full of interesting options ..



...........

responsibility!

I tried running away from responsibility.

It has not worked!

How can I run away from what is within me? If I knew, I would do so.

I have no idea. Usually I have many ideas. Right now, the ideas box is empty!

I know it is not empty - I know that I am in a resistant mode right now and I 

do not care how that looks to anyone else.

I know that all is well at all times.

Therefore, I know it is okay for me to melt down, weep and wail and feel

sorry for myself for a short while

I will bounce back. History proves that claim. 

but for now - I am going to wallow in feeling like a victim of circumstance,

despite ALL that I know to the contrary!

damn, I am tired. to the core of me. desperately wishing that things

were different. but they are what they are. and I Am that I Am ....

and soon, very very soon, I will feel strong again!

but for now - can I hand this image over to someone else ...

so that THEY can be left in charge ....?

please?

I wonder.....

and that is it! I wonder!

I wonder about so many things. I always have and I guess I always will, wonder.....

and one of the things that is intriguing me at the moment, is why do I always want to know more, do more, understand more?

I have spent the last few days with a fun-loving family, and since I live alone, that is already a difference for me. I have been watching all the interactions, and there is a part of me that YEARNS for the sense of rhythm and routine that surrounds the older couple, especially. They are only about 10 years older than me - not much, but it would seem they are from another era

I watched and listened. They know what they are going to do next week - the plans are made. They have a routine for breakfast in summer. the routine is different in winter, as they choose warmer, more filling food.

They do things together, they do things independently of one another;  but the rhythm remains constant. Dinner is at a certain time, preceded and followed by tea times or coffee times, at which point, there may be a nibble of either sweet or savoury nature.

I want this. I want a rhythm that is like a security blanket in my life. I am weary of always chasing after goals. I am different and although I loved this aspect of me in the past, there is something else emerging from within. the desire for more routine.

I want to be able to stop searching for the place where I belong. I want to arrive there, and know.....

I claim gentle this coming year.

2013 - all I really really really want is gentle ...soft and gentle and home

thank you.

dead stars and memories

when darkness falls each evening, as long as there is no cloud cover, and  clean, clear air above us, we can see the beautiful light of the moon and the stars.

the clearer the air, the more beautiful the sight.

for those of us who live in cities, having the chance to see the night sky in the country air is almost magical

one of the things we learn at school is that some of the lights we see are from stars that no longer exist. they died aeons ago. but still we see the beautiful light arriving each evening.

and of course, at some point, the light from each of those dead stars will complete it's journey to us, and the light will go out.

the universe is so full of stars, that we will barely notice the final moment.....

memories are like that. we carry them around and for as long as they are alive and full of energy, the emit a light that shines into our everyday life.

it can be fun, remembering the happy things - like winning a prize, your child's first smile, the aroma of your mothers baking, your success at something for which you have great passion.

these are memories that have lovely little gifts in them that uplift and comfort you.

but sometimes that light brings up feelings of great sadness, or loss, and pain.

we do not always like to accept that these memories have just as many gifts for us as the happy ones.

but whether we like it or not, it still remains true.

if you can find the time and energy, the support and the willingness to unpack the sad memories, then you will find the gifts it brought into your life, and like the light from a dead star, the light from the sad memory will one day fade and disappear.

and all that will be left will be a memory. not a sad one. not a happy one. just the knowing that once upon a time, there was an event that saddened you.

and that, in some way, it enriched you


.........

it is all about perspective

a few weeks ago, while I was showering, I had an accident. I have no idea how it happened. one minute I was doing what so many women do in the shower ...shaving my legs and oxters (look it up!) and the next minute there was blood! for some bizarre reason, my razor decided (it can decide - it is NOT an inanimate object, of that I am certain!) ...it decided to take a chunk of my ring finger nail from where it should be - and leave me with a bloody mess.

oh wow, I hear you say - after you get over that hideous cringing moment when you imagine the event - it is like that nails on a chalkboard effect ....shivers up the spine stuff.

I did not say oh wow. what I did was put pressure on my finger to staunch the flow of blood and gasped things like - omg omg omg omg, while I tried to understand what had happened - I have never worked out HOW it happened.
my daughter asked if I was okay - and I said that ultimately, I would be - but only after I stopped bleeding! she kindly stepped into the bathroom, turned off the water and wrapped me in my towel.

some weeks down the line, I am exceedingly weary of popping a plaster onto my finger a few times a day. seriously - it is tedious! my finger longs for freedom! it will take another week or ten days and I will be back to normal. okay - my finger will be back to normal. I never will be. it is a long time since I was what i once considered to be normal

during this time I went to visit a friend. she was very ill last year - and to cut a long story extremely short, suffice to say that she has had both lower legs amputated and her left arm is amputated below the elbow. the right hand has a thumb, and somewhat shortened fingers. it is horrid, what has happened to her. she has to start life all over again - learning to walk and write and feed herself and brush her hair - all with artificial limbs and prostheses.

so it seemed a little odd that when she asked how I am , that I wanted to share how irritated I am by this finger drama! and I shared with her how silly and insignificant it is in the greater scheme of things. how could I, an able-bodied person with no limitations, complain to HER about a fingernail????

and that is when she said - if the roles were reversed, she would be saying the same thing! and that she fully understand why I would feel inconvenienced.

it is all about our perspective and circumstances. being able to do what I like, when I like, is the perspective from which I view things.

when she looks at things, her frame of reference is now far different from mine.

neither perspective is wrong nor right - it just IS!

I will remember that as best I can ...that how I view (and sometimes, judge) things -  may look different from another perspective

and perhaps, I will be a better person for having had this moment of understanding

I live in hope

.....

Old Age is not for Sissies!!

Old age is not for sissies - and neither is your parents' old age! There is not a load of fun to be had, watching the precious person you have loved all of your life, slowly letting go of things. All sorts of things. People. Events. Connections. Me.

Suddenly, the words senile dementia and alzheimers are starting to become a part of my vocabulary. Suddenly, too, I have to start confronting my own old age, especially since I am not exactly a spring chicken!

When I left my ex 12 years ago, I moved in with my Dad for a few months while I waited for the process of the divorce to unfold and to get a new home for myself. This week, Dad asked where J is - and I said he is probably with his wife. He looked at me in confusion. Are you divorced now? No-one tells me anything!

Gently I explained that there were two important things - number one - as we get older, we choose which facts and memories to keep and we discard the rest, because our brain is overloaded. and number two - it is only important that I remember that I am divorced!

Slowly but surely, I have to let go of Dad. Precious Soul that he is. If you never got the chance to meet him - you missed out BIG TIME! A gentle Soul. A loving man and father. Loyal. Caring and eager to help. I always knew that if I needed a plumber at 3am, Dad would come to help me!

I am now the parent of my parent. It is hard and frustrating - more so than being the parent of a child. I know that once upon a time, Dad was far wiser than me. He still is - but it is no longer evident. His world has shrunk along with his attention span.

The next stage in my life is looming. Within a year or two - maybe more, I shall become the eldest in the family I grew up in - Mum is gone, older sister is gone, and my brother is younger.

Wow. I never imagined that things would turn out this way. But they have. And that is what happens ...

Life happens .....

my note from the Universe .... uniquely mine

each weekday I get an email from The Universe, my Note from the Universe

I am sure you know of it. if not - it is time to give yourself that particular treat - no calories involved

this week I got the chance to meet the author of the Notes ... delightful man

as part of the workshop that day, each participant had the chance to write a Note from the Universe as an exercise

predictably (well, predictably, because I have been to so many workshops) we randomly swopped the Notes and got our own unique Note....

this is the one I received ....

* I appreciate you because of your honest and sincere nature. Your caring of others

* It fills me with such joy to know that one day you will know your wisdom in the true sense of the word and feel the joy you have brought to others

*I know that soon you will have your own wisdom reach all those that are ready to receive it

Love is all there is

The Universe

...

The Cursed What If .....

This weekend I went to meet Mike Dooley - aka The Universe whose byline is Thoughts Become Things - Choose The Good Ones ....

during his workshop he teaches how to create the life that you want to live, how to create the world you want live in  ... and has a simple process that he explains with great humour and lively anecdotes

and he constantly reminds us that we can let go of the Cursed Hows .... that is the job of the Universe. it is never our task to work out the how ....

the past two days have been very challenging for me - as I am in the midst of a family crisis .. of which - ta da! I am the focal point ... well, perhaps not the focal point exactly - but certainly the troublesome, will-not-play-the-game-properly part...

I have the suspicion that this whole drama is not entirely by chance. I do believe we call forth the precise things we need in order for us to choose out next step, the direction in which we currently want to move.

the direction is a moveable feast - one day we want to head west, and off we go - and then, ker-ching! we would really love to explore north, or south, or perhaps even NNW ...  we are curious .... or is that me projecting onto you? if so - I will claim it - I Am Curious ....

now, there is no 'What If' going on when I make that statement. I Am Curious ... I know this to be true. much of my life has been spent uncovering the Great Mystery of life, of how things tick, if they tick, why they tick, who made them tick ... you get the picture.

I can also say - I Am a Woman. no 'What If' pops up here, either. I know it to be true. swiftly skipping through the area of proving it - suffice to say that having produced two children, I am in no doubt about my gender.
hold on a moment! What If I had to look at that claim again - perhaps I should say that I Am Female. that is easy to prove .... What If being Female does not make one a Woman. I have a friend who can talk about that to you, and anyone else, for hours. so, if you would like to discuss the differences between female, woman and feminine, I will give you her contact details. I Am Curious - but not enough to listen to that particular conversation - my eyes kinda glaze over after a while when she gets going ...

I Am ....a daughter
I Am ....a mother
I Am ....a sister
I Am ....a grandmother


but, back to the What Ifs ...

What If my family are right, and I am not a nice person, deep down inside?

What If I am never going to be able to love unconditionally?

What If I do not have a heart? (I Am pretty sure I do, because it is breaking with this drama)

What If I do not rise to the occasion?

What If there is something I have to say that will help another, and I never say it?

What If I let the fear of what other people think, to hold me back?

What If I let fear hold me back from ANYTHING?

What If I hide my light under a bushel, rather than risk scorn or laughter?

What If I judge my Self so harshly that I never do what I came here to do?

The Cursed What If ......

that damned Cursed What If that I have given so much power over the years...
that damned Cursed What If that has got me stuck so often

Well ...

let's see if I can turn this around ....


What If ...I relaxed, focused on what I want in life, and walk or work towards it?

What If ...I came here to do something BIG ....and I did it?

What If ,,,it is my birthright to be magnificent, amazing, intuitive, sensitive, caring?

What If ....people enjoy it when I share what I know?

What If ... I loved all my work ... and it mattered ..to me ..and to others too?

What If ...my friends are right ... that I have something worth sharing with the world?

What If... I Am supposed to impart all the knowledge I have?

What If ... I live a life that is wonderful beyond compare?

What If ... there is a light within me that I release and allow to glow?

What If ......I claimed a Sacred What If ......?

ah - the Sacred What Ifs .....




.....

being here

there is a reason for being here. whether we fathom it out or not ... the reason - or reasons - still exist.

I have a suspicion that it is a many faceted story. we are here to learn and grow and share and be selfish and be selfless. all of it.

and I believe that there is an underlying reason - to find the way to be happy - despite all the challenges and heartaches we endure. finding our way to happiness, no matter what

this is, in my very seldom humble opinion, the main objective ... to find peace and harmony and joy within the maelstrom that is life on earth

I am sure it can be done. I would love to be able to master it. when I was younger, I would struggle for days or weeks and sometimes even months, to get through some pain, some hurt, or some perceived slight by another - especially if I felt that I was being invalidated and not 'seen' or 'heard'

slowly it gets better. I can almost process my way through some hurtful stuff in an hour, or an afternoon ... depending on what has happened and how good and resilient I am feeling

and seldom do I do it alone. I am blessed to have wonderful friends who can hear me and understand me and can remind me of what I have temporarily forgotten

and that makes me happy ...

which is the main aim of my journey ....

happiness 

is there a better aim, I wonder

........