Living Outside / The Box

On Wednesday afternoon, I was driving along the Main Road to collect my dad for his 6-month check up with the physician. It was a blustery day. Dust and litter rushed along the road at seemingly the same speed as my car.

In front of me, being swept along by the north wind, was a large cardboard box - it looked as if it had housed a large item like a washing machine. I drove carefully along behind it, as it was being blown from one side of the street to the other, and I was giving myself space and time to take avoiding action if the traffic coming towards me swerved to avoid the box.

Since it was a fairly quiet stretch of road at that time of day, there had been no need for concern. The box eventually got caught up in some bushes on the sidewalk.

The following day, at a staff meeting, I was hauled over the coals, so to speak ~ not a fun event at all. And after some introspection, I came to understand the bigger picture that was being painted for me. I was aware of how everything that happened in the process was all part of a bigger plan that was orchestrated in order for me to learn something valuable. Something that would help me along my path towards being a more integrated person.

What I found most fascinating is that as I learn and understand the Universe better, and allow the LOA to work in my life, I creep further and further away from the type of box that society loves to put people in. I stepped out of the box some years ago, but the darned thing was still hanging around, in case I ever wanted to climb back inside.

Until Wednesday.

I did not realise at the time, but that  box flying along the road was the box that had been around me for so long. I did not understand that it was my own box I was seeing. I certainly did not see the significance of it. It was, to me, just a random box being blown along a random path.

My box is gone. I cannot even think of climbing back into it. I have a suspicion that perhaps someone else lives in it now. And they are most welcome to use it, for as long as it serves them,

Now I am free to be me. Just me. No pre-formed shape for me to fit into. No container to trap me and stunt my growth. No cardboard creation aimed at keeping some things in, and other things out.

Just me. That is enough. And so it is.

~Alison~

Forgive Forget / Forgiven Forgotten

I came across an issue today that made me realise that I am struggling to forgive someone and to forget the disrespect with which they have treated me in the past.

And the way I have dealt with this is in an entirely immature fashion - I have disrespected in return. I know it. I have done it consciously and I am not proud of this part of me.

I am struggling with this. I am still so hurt and angry that I want to stamp my feet and demand attention and throw things and hit someone and., - well, you get the two year old tantrum idea.

But I am not two years old. I am not proud of this aspect of myself. And it is robbing me of beauty and joy and love and respect.

So bear with me whilst I think about this all. Because today I discovered that when I am able to stop judging myself and others, I can let the concept of forgive and forget to float away. The powerful tools that they seem to be right now will be meaningless.

I understand that this issue is a power struggle within me - the other person does not care - at least openly anyway. And how that person feels is of no consequence. This is all about me.

How do I move forward from here. If I was the coach - what would I say to my client? What question would the client need to hear?

So let us play a game - since immaturity is the issue! 

Oh my hat - I hit the nail on the head with the first question - and got the answer. Immaturity is the issue. Not forgiving the person, not forgiving myself, Not forgetting. Immaturity.

I am now going to be coach and client; I am playing a game, remember?

In order for you to grow up, what do you think you need to do? 

I need to pack away the toys and find an adult way of moving on.

Tell me more?

Well, the game is all about tit for tat. And what I want to do is to rise above that. Because I have always known that this issue is such a huge one for me, and until I deal with it, I am stuck, So I think I have avoided it because of it's enormity. It is because I was so badly treated and that person will never admit it. And what is keeping me stuck is knowing that he will never admit it - and the child in me wants a sense of justice. Which is just not ever going to happen.

Alison, I am noticing that you seem keen to move forward with a sense of being grown up and mature around this issue. What I am also noticing is that you seem to have thought this all out in a very mature and adult way. You have acknowledged the importance of the issue and the impact it will have in your life if you can find the solution. So imagine for a moment, how it will be if you can take on the mantle of maturity and leave this 'childishness' behind. Tell me about it.

The main benefit will be allowing myself to put aside the armour and weapons I have to carry around all day at work. I can then just be me. I can stop being a victim. I can climb to the top of the hill, breathe, and allow my light to shine through. Taking off that armour will be like releasing myself from the past. I know that I will be doing myself a favour, because it is exhausting to be on the defensive and the offensive all the time. It is keeping me stuck. Some years ago I went to a castle in Scotland where they had some medieval armour on display. We were allowed to lift the helmet and put it on our head. I got an instant headache from the weight of it and the sense of suffocation. Which reminds me that I have been getting so many headaches recently.

Alison, what else can you tell me about being mature in this situation?

What I can tell you is that I cannot play this game any longer - no-one knows what the rules are. No-one cares who wins. There is no life supportive result to be had. And I believe that if something is not life-supportive, then it is life-destructive. And I cannot let that be my theme tune.

And what else can you tell me about being more mature here? What do you have to do tomorrow when you go in to work, that is different from what you have done in the past?

Gosh, that is a hard question to answer, because as soon as I start thinking about it, I get this feeling of anxiety. 

Tell me what is so hard about this for you?

It is about being at peace with being rejected. It is about finding it OK to have not had the support from the bosses that I had craved. It is about not feeling valued and valuable at work.It feels as if it is a reflection of my early life, Which of course it is - hence the infantile behaviour.

I am understanding that for as long as I await recognition and validity from somewhere other than me, I am lost. I am beginning to feel that it is ok to want the validation, as long as I understand that giving it to myself is what is really powerful. 

I have to see ME. I have to respect ME. I have to love ME. Nothing is more important than that. Because unless I can see, respect and love me, I am of no real use to myself or anyone else. And then I have ducked the whole reason for being on the planet in the first place. Because I believe I came here to have fun. And for me, being in defence / attack mode is not fun. It may be for others. That is their journey. But it is not fun for me.

The next time you go into the office again, what will be different?

The difference will be in my frame of mind. I can choose to be a credit to myself - instead of how it has been for some time.

And how will your different frame of mind manifest? What difference will others see?

That for me is not the important thing. For me it is important that I feel good about myself and how I live my life. Since I consider these things to be important, I need to stop and think whenever I am tempted to go back into old behaviour. So perhaps a good plan would be to write a word that prompts me each time I see it. Perhaps I can choose the word 'new'. Because it is a new day, a new way of being, or a way of being me, more of the time! And what works well for me is change - so I will rearrange my office - as a reminder that things do not always have to stagnate and fester!

If there is another question you would need to answer now,what would that question be?

I suppose the question would be something to do with how this change will benefit me?

How will this change benefit you?

I will be more fully me, whatever that means. I will have found a way to go one more step in the direction of my more integrated life. And I have a sense that this is a little bigger than just being different at work. There is a sense of this being a small but integral part of the whole puzzle.

What else do you want to say?

Just that I need to sleep and rest and allow all this new information to sink into the cells in my body. And that I will remember to feel good - all the time - no matter what. It is why I am here. Thank you