ch. ch. ch. changing ...

It is inevitable

It is inescapable

It may even be un-run-away-from-able

absolute. set in stone. concrete. eternal.

Change - we cannot do anything but!

from the moment of conception, where we changed from sperm and egg into (eventually) THE most beautiful creature on the planet, (ask your mum, she will confirm ...) ...change is what it was ALL about

two cells. four cells. eight. sixteen ....I don't need to go on - because you know the story.

out we popped, and suddenly our lungs and skin and mouths and nostrils all had new tasks. we changed from foetus to squealing little darlings

darlings that could not get anywhere without help. for a while.

we changed that, too

up onto knees. then feet. then onto bikes and into cars. aeroplanes were next on the list for some.


all the time, changing.

from being incapable of verbally expressing what we wanted or required, to being (in most cases) fairly articulate

and as time marched on, we changed our minds. we changed our friendships. we changed from living at home with mum and dad, to moving onto and into a different relationship with others and the world.

we change our jobs. we change from loving some food and drink, to loving other options and discarding some previously adored taste preferences

as we age, our skin changes. the hair changes colour, or disappears entirely. we wrinkle up like little prunes - unless we are super lucky

and yet, when change appears on our horizon, we embrace the fear of it. anything that challenges our comfort zone, gets us whizzing into a frothy spin.

I wonder why that is? when change is the only constant in our lives, why is it that it can hold (or at least, seem to hold) such power and authority over us

perhaps, as a society, we could view change as an awesome chance to review the way things are

perhaps, as a society, we could encourage each other to embrace change

I know for sure that I love change - when I am the orchestrator of it. when I choose the music and conduct the orchestra

my furniture gets dizzy from being moved from one room to another, or across the room to the other side.

but I also know, that like me, when change happens that seems to come from outside of us, we panic. mildly or violently - there is a scale of the anxiety it brings - but not all of us have the skills to embrace ALL change.

and, rather than wondering why it is that change brings some level of anxiety, perhaps it is better to wonder - how we can embrace it more readily

we have become (gosh, I am excellent at generalisations) a consumer society that buys and discards things so readily. but our beliefs and traditions and more importantly, the negative things we have heard people say about us or to us, we hang onto those things as if our lives depend on it

when really, our lives may well depend on letting go, instead ....

let's find the way to accept the challenge that change brings, and learn to orchestrate how we choose to feel about the changes

because, for me, that is where the power lies -in how we see it, and how we feel about it and how we choose to deal with change

because, change is part of being here on Earth. our life on this planet is ALL about change........

Knowing your strength

a group of young girls I was working with years ago got the chance to learn to row and sail a boat on a lake

it involved not only learning to tie knots that would keep the boat alongside when required - but all the other skills that one needs on the water for survival

part of the project was putting a fairly heavy wooden boat into the water, and when the day was done, pulling it out again and cleaning it in readiness for the next day

well, I am not sure what happens in your neck of the woods - but in my world I have found that if there is a gaggle of giggling girls, I have found it usual that there a bunch of giggling boys not far away ......

the girls were determined to do everything that was required so that they would become skilled on and off the water, and the boys were just as determined to show that they were the strong and clever ones ...and that THEY could get the boat out of the water faster and more efficiently - and in the process, look like heroes!

the girls took umbrage at this and insisted that the boys stand back and allow them to do the job, so that they could prove how strong and resilient and able girls are....

the girls won the day - the boys had to stand back and watch the girls struggle to get the boat up the slipway - did I mention that it is a big heavy wooden boat? 

the girls were asking later on, why it is that the boys see them as weak and useless. there was much discussion for a while. as you can imagine

the next day, as soon as it was 'on the water' time, the girls stood back and let the boys do the heavy work. when the boat had to be dragged up the slipway, the girls watched the boys proving how strong they are

it was a win win situation based on our discussion the night before. once the girls KNEW that they could do it, they could graciously stand back and watch the boys getting wet and dirty, looking like heroes ...

the girls had nothing to prove any more - they had shown clearly the day before that they could do the task..

they knew their strength

they knew their ability

they knew that the boys would want to keep proving to girls that they were the strong ones ....

but the girls knew better - they were getting the task done without lifting a finger!!!

strength and power .....they had it in spades!!!

the empty bowl

the word ~ misconstrued ~  and the concept of it, has come up once too often for me of late

which makes me think that perhaps I am out of step with what others are saying or doing, that the perspective from which I view it or perceive things is somehow "out of alignment"

but out of alignment with what?

it is becoming a tad annoying. I am not comfortable with this level of disconnect and I am not going to try to fix it

there are gifts in the misunderstanding

today a friend said a few words, and how I received them was in total contrast from what she meant to say

I accept that my view was one sided - as was hers - neither of us had considered the other opinion until I spoke up

and in the speaking up, I began to understand a new aspect of Me. and as my blog says - this is always all about me. what I learn and feel and think and understand and laugh at and love ...

the 'misconstruing' of her words awakened me to the part of me that was  (I say was, as it is now in the past)   far too ready to dismiss my needs and desires and was far too willing to be of service


I know that my life's path is to be of service to others - but not to the extent that it is a denial of my requirements

not to the extent that I give until there is seemingly nothing left for me

an empty bowl feeds no-one

it says a lot about you

Some time back, I came across a line that rings so true to me.

A person’s action says everything about that person, and pretty much nothing about anyone else, especially me!

Too often, I felt responsible for what others did. As if I was in charge of the whole world! How silly of me.

Once I understood that the whole world did not revolve around me (although …um …just saying …) I could relax and learn to be at peace with what others chose to do – whether society would judge the actions as good, bad, evil or whatever. I just accepted that we all choose what we do – which may not be congruent with what we say – and that is just the way it is!

At the same time, I have to accept that what I do says an awful lot, or a lovely lot, about me.

Lately, perhaps the last 18 months or so, I have been going through a really sad and tough time. I spent one Xmas day sobbing my heart out. Feeling broken and discarded and alone. I swore on that day that I would never allow that to happen to me again.

The next Xmas saw me hopping onto a plane to far away to spend that family time with some loved ones who wanted me there. Loved ones who welcomed my presence, and I had a happier time than the year before. However, the broken-ness had not healed itself. There was still a lot of healing time and attention required.

Shortly after my return home, I had to say goodbye to my Dad as he made his way home to loved ones who had gone before him. Suddenly, I became acutely aware of how shattered and fractured I had become over the last few years. Suddenly there was no longer a place to hide

During the four months or so that followed, I retreated within. I could not sit with another and share my pain and heartache. There were offers of help, but I was so afraid that I would break down so completely and utterly that there would be no coming back. I had to go through this process alone. Day by day, I subconsciously and consciously worked on finding the Me that had seemed to have gone AWOL

Bit by bit – literally – I put the pieces back together again. Largely this was a very private and intimate process. Many friends  offered wonderful insights through their words when I reached out.

During this tender and bruising and gentle and harsh and difficult and prickly and turbulent and lonely time, there are things I chose to do that may have seemed unkind to others. I set very strong boundaries. I told some people to leave me alone when I felt that I was being ‘stalked’. There were times that I felt as if someone was knocking on my door, and no matter how many times I answered the door, they kept knocking. I reduced my friends list on facebook.  I could no longer have a connection with those who were argumentative or contentious or political or uber-religious and fundamentalist. In the past, I had enjoyed the interaction. But this healing time was so vital and essential and important that I could not tolerate anything that distracted me.

So, for all those who thought I was being cruel or unkind or unfeeling or whatever, I can only say one thing. What I did says everything about Me and nothing much about you. It was my time to do what I needed to do in order to become a fully functional member of the human race again.

I do not apologise for any action I took during this time, because it taught me a lot about Who I Am and how important I Am to Me! I realised that I have been way too accommodating of others and their foibles, to the detriment of my own Journey.

What I chose to do says so much about me. And I learned a lot about me – and perhaps my actions gave you a chance to learn about you!

Because our actions speak louder than words.

and if you got this far - thank you for reading it - it says a lot about You ......

Presence

For months I have felt as if I am out of step with something. I think it may be that I have been out of step with me!

I have felt as if I was empty – nothing to offer in the way of emotional support of another – and certainly not able to be much good to myself either.

I have tried to explain this to some friends. 

Largely they have tried to understand – but I also have not had the energy to go into any sort of depth with my explanations of why I am out of sync with me and the rest of the human race.

I know I am still in a mourning process – not so much for Dad – I had him in my life for almost 60 years – I am extremely lucky. But in mourning for Knowing Who I Am. That has been missing.  I have lost track of Who I Am and how I fit into this world.

I find I am not able to sit and really talk with anyone. Sometimes the people who are available are not those who understand me best. Partly because those I want to talk with are not available to me right now. Time zones are different, and life gets busy

Today I reached out so someone on the other side of the world and exchanged a few letters.

I said that I was not able to really explain what is going on with me, since there seems to be no ‘earth’ words for what I want to say. The best I could come up with is that it is vibrational.  I know it to be true – but that is all – I KNOW – I cannot explain. And I got so tired of trying to explain why I am not the MySelf that we all seem to recall.

The following is an extract from her letter …

your dad transitioning must've triggered something that put you on another level, but one you're not used to yet so it feels strange. 

I know you're not going back, because what was is not there for you now....

I guess this is another ....... presence for you.  

Another way of being present, I mean. 

To keep all you know as familiar inside, but to leave it behind at the same time because you're somewhere else now.

Oh wow! The beautiful understanding and verbalising of what I have been feeling. 

And what really popped out for me was the word ‘present’

As in, Presence! 

The moment I read that word, I knew for sure that she is a messenger from my Guides and Angels – they have been trying to alert me to the fact that I have a new Guide with me now – or a different group of Guides. 

I am not yet sure – but what I do know for sure is that despite having been recently orphaned – I am not, and never will be, alone ……

I wonder why it is so easy for me to forget my own mantra ...I Am Divinely Guarded and Guided. 

perhaps I did not forget it. perhaps I just forgot to apply it to me!

I Am Divinely Guarded and Guided. We all are .....

Being an Orphan

Oh wow! I have known for some time that I will become an orphan. Mum died some years back and Dad was heading into his 90's - and getting frailer by the day!

Now, to become an orphan is one thing - and to become an orphan when your owns sands of time are running out, is another. When you are young and you lose your parents, it is probably very tough. But there is also an inbuilt resilience that comes with youth.

Being thrust into this scenario when one is almost looking for free bus passes is way different from what I ever would have imagined.

Since my divorce, my Dear Dad has pretty much been my primary relationship - and therefore the loss of him is acute. There was never any decision ever made about my life without factoring Dad into the equation. Trips to the other side of the world to visit my daughter had me organising friends and family to oversee him. Make sure he had enough treats, enough company. I sent emails to the care home - WITH BIG PRINT - so that he could keep up to date with me and read it himself!

Now I am beginning to wonder Who I Am? I was pretty sure I knew the answer before he left, but I am certainly not quite so sure any more. Suddenly, I have no parents. Suddenly, I am the Big Person in my life! Suddenly, I have to stand up all by myself - it is like being just a few months old again - learning to do everything independently!

Since I am struggling to come to terms with it all, I think I will be posting here more often - mostly in search of those damned marbles that seem to be going AWOL!

I eagerly await the unfolding of the Me I have always kind of been ...but more so. I know it sounds odd - but I really care not a jot - as long as it makes sense to me!

just a little reminder for Me ...I can be happy during this process ....


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