Always.......Never

a few days ago I was wondering where my rhythm and routine and 'home' is ....I spent time with others who have others who have partners and do things together as couples, or independently of one another - although, when the end of the day arrives, they get to share the days events in conversation and companionship

when you live alone, that does not happen. no matter how exciting or boring the day has been - there is aloneness when darkness falls

I have been thinking about all of this - mulling it over in my mind, and when I remember the conversations I have had with them, I noticed that two words came up regularly

Always......


Never.....



We always eat breakfast together. 

We have never eaten in a restaurant on Boxing Day. 

I have never worn navy blue since I was in school 50 years ago

I always ....

We always....

I never....

We never.....


such absolutes. 

I am not sure that I am capable of such absolutes. some years ago during a leadership course, I had to complete the sentence that began with ....I Will Never .......

I was stumped. it took some thinking about. obviously I was in the mindset of the leadership course - I was not thinking of things like - I will never eat hedgehog, or something similar


now I am wondering if I can live a life that has such strict guidelines ...I have always tended towards a little more latitude than I never or I always..


I Always enjoy being able to try some new things and I Never feel that I have to do things just because others are doing it ....

this life is full of interesting options ..



...........

responsibility!

I tried running away from responsibility.

It has not worked!

How can I run away from what is within me? If I knew, I would do so.

I have no idea. Usually I have many ideas. Right now, the ideas box is empty!

I know it is not empty - I know that I am in a resistant mode right now and I 

do not care how that looks to anyone else.

I know that all is well at all times.

Therefore, I know it is okay for me to melt down, weep and wail and feel

sorry for myself for a short while

I will bounce back. History proves that claim. 

but for now - I am going to wallow in feeling like a victim of circumstance,

despite ALL that I know to the contrary!

damn, I am tired. to the core of me. desperately wishing that things

were different. but they are what they are. and I Am that I Am ....

and soon, very very soon, I will feel strong again!

but for now - can I hand this image over to someone else ...

so that THEY can be left in charge ....?

please?

I wonder.....

and that is it! I wonder!

I wonder about so many things. I always have and I guess I always will, wonder.....

and one of the things that is intriguing me at the moment, is why do I always want to know more, do more, understand more?

I have spent the last few days with a fun-loving family, and since I live alone, that is already a difference for me. I have been watching all the interactions, and there is a part of me that YEARNS for the sense of rhythm and routine that surrounds the older couple, especially. They are only about 10 years older than me - not much, but it would seem they are from another era

I watched and listened. They know what they are going to do next week - the plans are made. They have a routine for breakfast in summer. the routine is different in winter, as they choose warmer, more filling food.

They do things together, they do things independently of one another;  but the rhythm remains constant. Dinner is at a certain time, preceded and followed by tea times or coffee times, at which point, there may be a nibble of either sweet or savoury nature.

I want this. I want a rhythm that is like a security blanket in my life. I am weary of always chasing after goals. I am different and although I loved this aspect of me in the past, there is something else emerging from within. the desire for more routine.

I want to be able to stop searching for the place where I belong. I want to arrive there, and know.....

I claim gentle this coming year.

2013 - all I really really really want is gentle ...soft and gentle and home

thank you.